It’s hard to know how to start this series. It’s not going to be victorious. It’s not going to be about rising conqueror over our demons. It’s not going to be about the miracle of healing—at least not in the traditional sense. It’s just going to be one person’s perspective of what it’s like having ongoing—most likely lifelong—mental illness at church.

As a warning, there will be references to suicide and suicidal ideation. I don’t want to pretty it up, so this will be without varnish, without cheap formulas; just raw honesty.

While it will be based on my experience, I will also draw on stories other’s have told me. I have talked to enough people that I know this is a much bigger problem that we tend to acknowledge. Mental illness is on the rise, and while we as a church and society have gotten significantly better at acknowledging it, there is still a silence and invisibility around what it’s actually like that can be agonizing for those experiencing it and their loved ones, especially in a religious environment where we can be uncomfortable with depictions of suffering that aren’t crowned with a triumphal conclusion. There is a lot of discourse on what causes mental illness, but very little on what it is like to experience it.

To give some background, I have severe C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) and OCD, which has especially (but not exclusively) manifested itself as scrupulosity (a form of OCD focused on religious perfection). I want to talk about my experiences with them in the hopes that it might help other sufferers and care givers of those who suffer with any kind of mental illness to be seen. And I hope that these posts will not only give visibility but hope. I haven’t been healed. I will probably have mental illness for the rest of my life. But my perspective of the world has changed because of it. It is fuller, richer, braver, more compassionate, and more forgiving; I’m more aware of the people around me and their beauty. And I’ve learned to cry and to laugh from my soul. It is not a trial God has given me, but it is one that God has used.

So over the next few weeks I’m going to address different aspects of mental illness, obviously not covering nearly enough of them, but hopefully enough to get some conversation going in way that is informative, empathetic, and real. And I hope this will create a space where people can talk about their own experiences, because we are all the richer for every story we hear. So see y’all next week!