Disillusionment: Spiritual Experiences Not Seeming to Work Out

Stephen Fleming

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“O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?… How long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?” (DC 121:1, 3).

This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. They believed God would protect his saints and help them build Zion. The saints did what God asked at so much sacrifice. How could God let this happen?

The point of this post isn’t to cast doubt on God or revelation, but only to point out my observation I noted in the previous post that personal revelation can be a tricky thing. Even Joseph Smith had confusing times. My point in this post, is that the feeling that a spiritual message has gone unfulfilled can be pretty concerning and confusing.

Richard Bushman quotes John Corrill’s statement about losing faith in the Mormon leaders’ (especially Smith’s) promises in Missouri. “I can see nothing that convinces me that God has been our leader; calculation after calculation has failed, plan after plan has been overthrown, and our prophet seemed not to know the event till too late.” “Everything Corrill said was true,” Bushman adds. “The great work had met with defeat after defeat” (Rough Stone Rolling, 379).

I argue that some of the worst pain of the Liberty Jail experience was the devastating feeling of not only that God allowed it, but the nagging worry of the possibility that the revelations might be problematic (I do think such things can get a little messier than we like).

While not usually the major reason people give for losing their faith in Mormonism, I have seen “failed spiritual promptings” sometimes mentioned (see minute 14 to 18 for Alyssa Grenfell discussing her experiences). Grenfell also expresses frustration with other members’ attempts to give interpretations to those disillusioning experiences. I really empathize with those who hurt over this issue. I don’t have any kind of absolute answer.

I mentioned in my last post often not feeling a lot of sympathy from other members when having those kinds of unfulfilled experiences. I once brought up this topic in an eq lesion many years ago and gave some examples I was aware of: a couple feeling so spiritually sure of getting a hoped-for job out of state that they sold all their furniture (didn’t get it), another feeling so sure of a baby’s gender that they bought clothes for the gender but got it wrong.

I do think there were some smirks among quorum members, and as I mentioned in my previous post, we probably all know of people who followed some claimed spiritual promptings in concerning ways.

But here I simply want to acknowledge that having what one views as an unfulfilled spiritual experience can feel quite painful and disillusioning.

The lyricist for my favorite band, Rush, sometimes talks about the complexity of religious issues including doubt. In their very last album, their song The Wreckers seems to address the issue of this kind of spiritual disillusionment. A couple of lines of in the chorus state: “All I know is that sometimes you have to be wary of a miracle too good to be true.” And if that isn’t hard enough, the next line declares, “All I know is that sometimes the truth is contrary, everything in life you thought you knew.”

I’ve always really appreciated that song for conveying what religious struggle can feel like to me (many different kinds). I’ve come back to the song again and again, but it that seems overly bleak (I do think such experiences can be really hard), I also love the last song on the album, The Garden, about the kind of care we should give each other to help with life’s difficulties (a good thing to do).

DaveW’s commented on my previous post that we often don’t like ambiguity or unresolved endings in in our church lessons. Years ago as a gospel doctrine teacher, I attempted to share Bushman’s point about Corrill’s view of his time with the church in Missouri in an attempt to discuss the theme of this post: how do we deal with such disappointments? My attempt went poorly.

As I replied to DaveW, I do get that we tend to want greater certainty and happy endings in our church talks and lessons. But I’ve also experienced many times wishing for greater certainty and resolution, and those feeling very far away. If nothing else, such experiences can help us fulfill our baptismal covenant of morning with those who morn.

Comments

5 responses to “Disillusionment: Spiritual Experiences Not Seeming to Work Out”

  1. Jack

    Stephen,

    Alyssa Grenfell has no credibility with me–she’s a destroyer.

    There’s no question that most of us will have an experience or two that will shake us to the very foundations. And often those experiences have to do with events that shatter our understanding of spiritual things. I hit the wall of depression 20+ years ago and have been rebuilding my faith ever since. That said, I wouldn’t want to go back to my previous understanding of things–what I’ve learned over the last while has been worth the pain.

    The trick (IMO) is to hang on to what we do know–and don’t let what we don’t know to take us sideways. Easier said than done, I know, but for many of us moderns that’s what enduring to the end has come to mean.

  2. Old Man

    Jack,
    I watched the video. I’m not so sure we should characterize Grenfell in such a manner because her beliefs do not mesh with our own. In fact, in the segment Stephen referenced, I perceived that it matched some of my own experiences and those of others which have been reported to me.

    I also think you mischaracterize the actual problems. The fundamental issue is the perception of spiritual truth or revelation and its reliability. You are making claims that you have “rebuilt” faith. That means that you found some things to be unreliable and other things you have judged to be reliable. Correct? If so, your experience and message are nearly identical to Grenfell’s. The only perceptible (to me) difference being that one person stayed and the other stepped away, for reasons that may be only slightly different. Perhaps you and I have a higher tolerance for the inconsistencies we witness in LDS practice? Perhaps the social attachments are higher so we exerted greater efforts at rebuilding a spiritual life?

  3. ji

    I don’t know anything about Ms. Grenfell, but otherwise I’m with OP and the first commenter. I am reminded of Luke 2:19, “But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.” Yeah, that thought goes well with enduring to the end. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is what really matters [but note that this is not the same as faith in the church as an institution or faith in the current prophet as a person]. Many things that are said among us never come to pass, and many things that are otherwise perceived also may not to come to pass. But life goes on, and hopefully faith endures and matures — and along the way, there is space for wisdom and charity to grow.

    But yes, in our church culture, we seem to want certainty and happy endings in our talks and lessons.

  4. Stephen Fleming

    I didn’t mean to start a debate over Grenfell. I’ve seen a few of her videos and I differ from her view of Mormonism. I was interested in looking at this one because I find Mormons talking about their experiences interesting. I’d seen a few interviews of people mentioning having what they viewed as “failed” spiritual experiences, so since I had this video handy, I linked to it.

    I do think that ex-Mormon are probably more open about talking about disillusioning spiritual experiences than active Mormons are. So such discussions are probably easier to find on Grenfell’s channel than pro-Mormon ones. Again, I don’t view Mormonism like Grenfell does, but I can empathize with feeling some concerns and hurts over the issues she mentions at the time in the video I noted. And I do think that expressions of sympathy to other’s hurts is a good thing.

    A challenging process and we can learn a lot, though it can be tough along the way.

  5. Davek

    One of the most insidious traits of church leadership is their tendency to blame individual members when promised blessings don’t materialize.

    D&C 103:4 tells us that the saints suffered so much in the failed march to Missouri “because they did not hearken altogether unto the precepts and commandments which I gave unto them.” All they did was try their earnest best to follow the prophet and receive promised blessings, and they were instead blamed for not being righteous enough.

    I recall once meeting with my bishop when I was a college student. I was trying to juggle full-time work AND a full load of classes AND dating. In retrospect, I was completely overwhelmed and probably a little depressed. I went to my bishop for help and he immediately asked me which commandments I was struggling with. Like it’s obvious that flagging mental health is the direct result of sin. I was to blame for whatever was going wrong in my life.

    Anecdotally, I have heard dozens of similar accounts. We are promised innumerable blessings for jumping through the right hoops. “And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.” But somehow when we do our part and the promised blessings don’t follow, church leadership concludes that we are the problem. The alternative would be to admit that the scripture above is incorrect, and that is unthinkable.

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