I don’t consider myself a terribly spiritual person. This isn’t as self-deprecating as it sounds, in part because although we tend to conflate “spiritual” with “righteous” or “good” they’re technically distinct concepts. I do the right things for the most part and my heart is in the right place, but I don’t have that kind of intense, interpersonal day-to-day interaction with God that some people have. Some of this is a function of effort, but I’m convinced that some people were simply just born with that particular gift. 

So on that note I was going to make my way through reading all of the classic devotional works by the great spiritual writers, not only in Christianity but also in other faith traditions as well. (For our purposes here “devotional” means works that explicitly guide the reader in intentional spiritual reflection and meditation). 

I had drawn up a list of about 20 or so books, but only got through the following three, and even then there was some skimming involved:  

The Practice of the Presence of God – Brother Lawrence

The Cloud of Unknowing – Anonymous (14th-century English mystic)

Dark Night of the Soul – St. John of the Cross

I am not unaware of the irony of skimming these books that call one to deep, slow reflection. At this stage in my life with a bajillion small kids and career I have time for daily prayers, spiritual conversations with children, and scriptures, but not the kind of multi-hour, deep-dive walk with God that these mystics and saints have pulled off. Consequently, I’m going to wait on finishing this project until kids are a little older and I have the bandwidth to try to meditate on God and Christ for hours. Still, some thoughts from what I have read: 

• At a meta-level the main message of this genre is to be intentional about one’s walk with God, to think about what works and what doesn’t and record them. Here the spirit and God’s presence and light become very reified; they are discrete things with actions and characteristics, not vague abstractions, and we suss out the details through our own meditative life. If I did have one take-away from this exercise it is to be similarly intentional, even if as a father with responsibilities I can’t retire to a monastery or the temple for days at a time. 

 

• On that note, while I respect the mystics and thinkers in these books, IMHO one of the major differences between us and other Christian faiths is for us it is fairly explicit that you can’t meditate your way into the Divine Presence. You develop yourself into a being that can stand the Divine Presence by eating our bread by the sweat of our brow in the lone and dreary world, all the while relying on the merits of the Savior. I’m sure the Buddhist monk who has meditated for hours a day for decades has a calmness of mind and insights into reality that I can’t even begin to understand….but as somebody with a family and responsibilities I too have insights into reality that he doesn’t grasp. I thought I was a contemplative type in high school, but for me personal development didn’t really happen until the crucible of post-high school chronic illness (if you have a mysterious cold that isn’t going away get allergy tested!) and mission. 

 

• Our differing version of the afterlife is not irrelevant here, as it is a an active, generative afterlife, in stark contrast to the traditional view of an eternity of rest in God’s presence. 

 

• That being said, experienced meditators like Sam Harris have a certain calmness to their demeanor and disposition that I envy, so at some point I do want to give that kind of intentional focus-for-hours-at-a-time some effort. 

 

• Dark Night of the Soul touches on the theme in the film and book Silence: what happens when you are doing all the right spiritual things, but God is still silent and you are still drawing a spiritual blank? It is important to be open to this possibility, otherwise there’s sort of a subtle gaslighting that you’re not making an effort when you are. Brigham Young (somewhere in the J of D, can’t chapter and verse it) mentioned this circumstance, and said that it was for God to see if we can stand on our own two feet even without constant warm fuzzies (obviously paraphrasing). Or, as Dark Night of the Soul puts it “Left in such aridity, not only do they find no satisfaction in their reliable old spiritual practices, but these things actually become tasteless, even bitter. He sees that these souls have grown a little. He weans them from dependency on the breast so that they can become strong.” While sometimes we put in the coin of focused, prayer, effort, and receive an added measure  of the spirit in response (“Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you”), sometimes we don’t or it’s rarer than we would like, and our testimonies need to be deep and rooted enough to handle that contingency when it arises.

 

• I’m reading older critical editions, and it makes me pine for the days when academics were deeper and more detailed. When people would spend hours on the nuance of a certain passage, drawing all sorts of connection with Church Fathers and other thinkers, for no other reason than a tome in a library somewhere would have some additional insight into that passage. I think we lost something when everything became about self-promotion, political implications, public outreach, Tweets, and soundbites. 

 

• Much of this content (and similar Buddhist texts) talks about calming your mind from random, sometimes unwanted thoughts that drift in and out of our consciousness, and one sign of an experienced meditator is being able to keep one’s focus unnaturally long. That being said, there is perhaps something to be said for the benefits of not focusing. People with ADD often talk about their “superpowers,” or the benefits they have from their condition such as added creativity, connections, and ideas that they would not have had had they had longer attention spans (even if it drives their family members crazy). So while I can respect the benefits of intense, lengthy focus, I’m going to push back on the idea that it is the ideal for every situation. 

 

• Brother Lawrence had a Martin Luther-esque crisis of spiritual anxiety over the state of his soul. I wonder how many times such “redemption anxieties” have led to spiritual breakthroughs as people learn to rely more on Christ. 

When I was not expecting anything more than to end my days in this trouble and anxiety…suddenly I found myself wholly changed. My soul, which until then was always troubled, felt a profound interior peace, as if it were in its center and a place of repose. Since that time, I have been working before God simply, in faith, with humility and love; and I try carefully to do nothing, say nothing, and think nothing that could displease Him. I hope that, when I have done what I can, He will do with me as He pleases. 

• The Cloud of Unknowing: “Avoid thinking of anything under God,” is an insightful version of Brigham Young’s “The Kingdom of God or Nothing.”