Mary had a little lamb; it was a little sheep,
\nbut then it joined the Mormon Church and died of lack of sleep. <\/p>\n
\nAll my life, I have been taught the importance of marriage and family. I was raised in an active, loving, Mormon family in rural Utah \u00e2\u20ac\u201c where the sky is blue, the grass is green only when irrigated constantly (and, often, not even then), the water runs through the tap cold, fishing and hunting are a short walk from home \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and all else is right in the world. With my parents’ example, I took domestic peace and marital joy for granted growing up, and my early married life did nothing to disabuse me of my adolescent assumptions. After all, I married the only girl I have ever loved \u00e2\u20ac\u201c the girl who, at the ripe old age of 15 stole my heart and completed my soul. Once she turned 16, she was the only girl I dated \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and we were married less than two months after I returned from my mission. I valued marriage, and I loved my wife \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and I slept well each night.<\/p>\n
I attended college as a visible anomaly \u00e2\u20ac\u201c a 22-year-old, married freshman \u00e2\u20ac\u201c the first married freshman in institutional memory, according to the Freshman Dean\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Office. By the time I graduated (six years later, but that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a story for another time), we had our first three children \u00e2\u20ac\u201c again, the first such situation in institutional memory. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sleep much during those six years, since working full-time, attending college full-time, serving in the Church in various callings, loving a wonderful woman and helping raise small children didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t leave much time for trivial things like sleep. (If I tried to live that schedule now, it would kill me.) However, when I slept, I slept soundly. <\/p>\n
Through the years my family grew to include six children, various non-paying boarders at the house that is known among our children\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s friends simply as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hotel DeGraw\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and, at its foundation, the girl who continued to amaze me through it all. I loved her more each year, particularly as I watched how deeply she cared about being a good person and helping others no matter the pain it caused her. For all those years, I ended each night at her side \u00e2\u20ac\u201c talking about the day, our kids, our cares, our joys and our sorrows until we fell asleep \u00e2\u20ac\u201c sleeping as happily and contentedly and soundly as it is possible to do.<\/p>\n
I tell you all of that to tell you this: When we first moved to Ohio, we did so for a job that required I travel. Eventually, I worked into a position where I was traveling extensively. I like to travel. Driving, flying, seeing new cities, staying in hotels, just about everything associated with travel I enjoy – except for those multiple thousand mile drives with multiple tired children in multiple foul moods after multiple days on the road. Otherwise, I like the open road and sky – and the opportunity to think (uninterrupted) for hours at a time.<\/p>\n
On the other hand, I quickly found that I have a hard time sleeping alone when I travel. You see, ever since we have had kids, we have had an open bedroom door policy in our house. This means that for the past 19 years I have spent most of my nights either crammed up next to my wife or crowded to the edge of our bed, hoping a strong gust from the fan (or a random push or kick) didn’t send me tumbling to the floor \u00e2\u20ac\u201c crammed or crowded by as many as 7 other bodies sprawled any which way but orderly and consuming every available square inch of the bed.<\/p>\n
I remember so vividly, years ago, when I first started traveling overnight, how much I looked forward with anticipation to that first night away – my chance to sprawl in imitation of my children – to sleep diagonally if I so desired – to use the blanket and sheet however I pleased – to sleep the deep sleep of the quiet and undisturbed \u00e2\u20ac\u201c to wake up refreshed from a deep sleep for the first time in many years. That simply wasn’t my experience.<\/p>\n
I lay there, eyes closed but unable to sleep, and I couldn’t understand why. There were no bodies crowding me to the edge – no kicks to my unprotected kidneys or eyes – no incessant snoring or muttering or additional body heat in the summer. It was peaceful – and I couldn’t sleep – at least not until about 4AM, and then for only two hours until the alarm shattered the shallow, fitful sleep I had not enjoyed. This lasted each time I traveled for about a month; then one night I discovered the solution: PILLOWS!<\/p>\n
One night, in the middle of my sleep-deprived state, I had an epiphany – truly, I believe, inspiration from someone who took pity on my plight. I missed my ridiculously cluttered and cramped nights. I missed those toes in my nose – those knees in my back – the hair in my eyes whenever they opened. Most of all, I missed the sense of peace and contentment that came amid my chosen chaos. Quietude and solitude, I discovered, are not all they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re cracked up to be – at least not when fulfillment has been defined and wrapped up in noise and family for years. So, I asked for seven extra pillows, packed them around me on the bed (cramming myself into a small space within their embrace) and slept like a baby – at least like a baby whom others apparently have who sleeps through the night without a sound.<\/p>\n
I tell you all of that to tell you this: The past few weeks, my wife has returned to work – since our youngest child started school this fall. She (my wife) has been working overnight a couple of nights each week, taking care of the elderly – and spending those nights away from me. It has not been easy, and I have found myself up late, falling asleep on the couch – even as our three youngest children lie sleeping in our bed upstairs.<\/p>\n
I learned years ago that I like to have my children around me – even as I sleep. I learned this last couple of weeks that such a situation is not enough – that to be wholly happy and completely content my wife needs to be there, as well. I can sleep soundly with her by my side, with or without the children around us; I cannot sleep soundly without her there, even when they are crowded around me. I love my children with all my heart, but they are no substitute for my soul-mate – my split-apart – the other half of the whole I hope to be throughout eternity.<\/p>\n
I tell you all of that to tell you this: I truly am blessed, and I recognize now \u00e2\u20ac\u201c a little more than ever before \u00e2\u20ac\u201c just how grateful I am and should be. I know many people who are not blessed in this way \u00e2\u20ac\u201c who never marry, who are divorced or widowed or abused or living in un-fulfilling relationships \u00e2\u20ac\u201c who sleep alone for many unplanned years or lengthy separations \u00e2\u20ac\u201c who want to live the standards of the Gospel of Jesus Christ but must subdue inclinations that would bring companionship in this life in order to do so. I understand how relatively painless my learning of this lesson has been. After feeling a small portion of what many live with day in and day out, I am much less inclined to judge them for the choices they make \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and much more in awe of those who remain faithful to the difficult ideal required for temple attendance.<\/p>\n
Eternal marriage and family mean just a little more to me at this moment, since I have caught a tiny glimpse of isolated immortality, living as half the whole she and I are meant to be. If I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t handle each night we are apart, I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fathom living endlessly without her \u00e2\u20ac\u201c feeling alone in a vast cosmos \u00e2\u20ac\u201c sleeping in a great and spacious hotel \u00e2\u20ac\u201c forever, fitfully alone. I want to live on with my arm around her \u00e2\u20ac\u201c in a universe surrounded by our children \u00e2\u20ac\u201c even if that means I only get a little edge of it as my own and never get enough sleep. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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