I had a beautiful experience last week. I went through the temple with one of my Sunday School students\/neighbors, a young man headed to the MTC on Wednesday Sept. 13. Last week, another of my SS students\/neighbors left for his mission. There is one other member of the neighborhood of age to serve a mission, but he will not be doing it. He is my son.<\/p>\n
As I watch him flounder (though he would not choose that verb), I am haunted by the well-rehearsed Mormon mother guilt trips:<\/p>\n
Would he have been ready for a mission if I had baked bread and had that lovely aroma greet him every day when he got home from school? He has a mother who always has her fingers in a number of academic and creative pies, and rarely makes the pastry kind. (In fact, she buys pre-packaged graham cracker crusts when she makes pies at all.) Is the other kind of mother\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe one with the spotless house and adorable scrapbooks–better at preparing missionaries? Isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t that other mother less selfish?<\/p>\n
Would he have been ready if I had changed the subject when he said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, I ran into some anti-Mormons today. They had some things right, but they got a lot wrong. They said Joseph Smith practiced polygamy. He didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, did he?\u00e2\u20ac? I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t change the subject. I answered his question. <\/p>\n
Would he have been ready if I had been less angry about the huge, long-standing disagreement my husband and I had over his involvement in Dungeons and Dragons? I did not want it in my home; Bruce found it harmless.<\/p>\n
Would he have been ready if I had won the argument and we had succeeded in removing D&D?
\nWouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he have been in the temple with my husband and me if I had just been perfect? A better housekeeper, a more vocal testimony-giver, a person with flannel board Bible stories for every Sunday afternoon? Someone who never lost her temper? Someone else? <\/p>\n
I remember years ago when I was struggling with guilt about my son\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s rebellion (which was evident even then). I went over the list of my failings, and then had the sudden thought (I hesitate to call it an impression), \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What is it you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re good at in your home, Margaret?\u00e2\u20ac? The first answer (the impulse) was a catalogue of what I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do well. But the second answer was much clearer: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are good at loving your children. Why would you risk that gift in order to do everything else you think you need to do?\u00e2\u20ac?<\/p>\n
The implications of my many guilt trips extend to my children in compelling and frightening ways. I wonder what their lists are. I know my teenaged daughter gives herself messages all the time: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153As soon as I lose thirty pounds, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be all right.\u00e2\u20ac? \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If my complexion would clear up, some cute guy would ask me out–but I’m so ugly right now.\u00e2\u20ac? \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I can get straight A\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to prove I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m smart.\u00e2\u20ac? (This last expectation has resulted in her trembling to her marrow before even entering an AP class, because it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s either an A or an F to her. Consequently, I have pulled her out of public school and put her in a far less demanding place. And yes, I do see that problem among my BYU students\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I HAVE to get an A!\u00e2\u20ac? mentality.)<\/p>\n
My oldest daughter surprised me a month ago by saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I always felt such pressure to graduate from a university.\u00e2\u20ac? I replied that I never thought I had pushed academia. She answered, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re you, and Dad is Dad. It was in the air.\u00e2\u20ac? She suggested it went back generations. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s right.<\/p>\n
So my final question is not about what I could\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done differently to enforce my will on my son, but about the expectations which are in the air in a Mormon community. For some, like my neighbors, these expectations (coupled with private pilgrimages) have produced profound and beautiful commitments in almost-missionaries. For others, they have become crippling categories in a world which already seems to demand perfection. <\/p>\n
How do we nurture those who don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand maybe shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have–the list of projects for their Young Women\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Recognition Award or their Duty to God, but simply someone to walk quietly with them? How much do we lose when love yields itself to lecture? How do we gracefully drop our own plans for someone else and simply, silently apply a balm? Can we raise our children to judge themselves and others less harshly when the question \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you WORTHY?\u00e2\u20ac? is all around us, taunting us for our imperfections rather than reminding us that there is only one worthy, and that through Him, we may find the version and vision of ourselves which He has always known.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I had a beautiful experience last week. I went through the temple with one of my Sunday School students\/neighbors, a young man headed to the MTC on Wednesday Sept. 13. Last week, another of my SS students\/neighbors left for his mission. There is one other member of the neighborhood of age to serve a mission, but he will not be doing it. He is my son.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3425","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-corn"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3425","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3425"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3425\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3425"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3425"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/timesandseasons.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3425"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}