<\/p>\n
Smith Boys 2012<\/b><\/p>\n
January 1st
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cMy New Year\u2019s resolution is to see how many Primary (=Sunday School) teachers I can make have nervous breakdowns.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nathan: \u00a0\u201cIn college I want to take a course in genetic engineering because then I could create skunkapotamuses.\u201d<\/p>\n
January 2nd
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cStop stressing Mommy out. \u00a0You should be sent to one of those . . . what do you call it? . . . dungeons!\u201d
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cWe need a dungeon.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nathan: \u00a0\u201cCan I take the toaster apart and modify it so that the toast will hit the ceiling?\u201d<\/p>\n
January 8th
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cSorry it took me so long to do my math. \u00a0I was in my room working on it with the door locked and I sneezed and got snot all over my hands and couldn\u2019t figure out how to get out.\u201d<\/p>\n
January 22nd
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cWell, you don\u2019t have to worry about me misbehaving in Primary anymore. \u00a0Brother F_______ said that if we are good, we\u2019ll get to have a party at his house with XBox and pizza.\u201d
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cHere\u2019s to the power of bribery!\u201d
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cThat\u2019s what I said, but he didn\u2019t seem to appreciate that remark.\u201d<\/p>\n
February 14th:
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cMom! \u00a0I have another get-rich-quick scheme: \u00a0Donner Party Snow Globes!\u201d<\/p>\n
March 25th:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cWhy do pickles swell up so much when they form cucumbers?\u201d<\/p>\n
March 26th:
\nJulie is sorting through some children\u2019s books to donate to charity. \u00a0Truman comes in and starts to look at them.
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cDid you want to save some of these?\u201d
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cNo, there\u2019s no point in keeping them since we aren\u2019t going to have any more babies since you are too old. \u00a0No offense.\u201d<\/p>\n
March 28th:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cTo make my oatmeal more heroic, can I put a small thing of butter in it?\u201d<\/p>\n
April 30th:
\nA report from a Sunday School teacher: \u00a0\u201cSo Nathan today was hilarious in primary. He was reading the scripture in front of the whole primary, gets to the reference, then adds “copyright 780BC”. The adults all chuckled. Then he was asked to pop a balloon and says “I’m not in the mood for a lawsuit today.” Your kids crack me up, but Nathan was particularly hilarious today.\u201d<\/p>\n
May 3rd:
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cYou are so cute!\u2019
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cHandsome, yes. \u00a0Striking, indeed. \u00a0But cute: \u00a0never!\u201d<\/p>\n
May 15th:
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cOne of the things I like about my math book is that they waste a lot of space on inspirational pictures, so there is less work to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
May 16th:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cDoes the Bible say that Santa is real?\u201d<\/p>\n
May 19th:
\nSimon: \u00a0\u201cis eyeball juice hydrophilic or hydrophobic?\u201d<\/p>\n
May 20th:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cAre there any restaurants that serve human flesh?\u201d<\/p>\n
May 23rd:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cIs \u2018docent\u2019 a swear word?\u201d<\/p>\n
June 4th:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cWhy are the deacons at church not allowed to eat cheese?\u201d
\n(We had to work out the difference between a \u201cdeacon\u201d and a \u201cvegan.\u201d)<\/p>\n
June 6th:
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cI plan on spending the day in a tree.\u201d<\/p>\n
June 18th:
\nWe are playing a scripture trivia game.
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cWho is the father of all lies?\u201d
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cHm . . . that\u2019s a toss-up . . . it\u2019s either Rick Perry or Satan.\u201d<\/p>\n
June 19th:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cIf there were an earthquake or something, and there was a new land, would there be 51 stars on the flag?\u201d<\/p>\n
June 21st:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cWhen I was little I swore an oath to always eat cheeseburgers, fries, and ketchup.\u201d<\/p>\n
June 23rd:
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cI learned something today. \u00a0You should never experiment with uranium and weasels.\u201d<\/p>\n
June 23rd:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cDad, did God bind you and Mom together before you were born, or did you pick each other later?\u201d<\/p>\n
June 25rd:
\nNathan, who has lost a dare and is about to belly flop into the pool: \u00a0\u201cVale, mater, morituri te salutant!\u201d \u00a0(Latin: \u00a0\u201cGoodbye, mother, those who are about to die salute you.\u201d)<\/p>\n
June 26th:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cIsn\u2019t Santa kind of just taking over the special thing of Jesus\u2019 birth?\u201d<\/p>\n
June 28th:
\nNathan publishes a newspaper, The Daily Blah. \u00a0Cover Story: \u00a0SLAVE RACKET FOUND! \u00a0SLAVES WERE FOUND IN THE LAND OF KIT-CHEN. \u00a0In the land of Kit-Chen, a slave was found washing dishes and being yelled at for invisible spots. \u00a0Our agents saw the slave leader, code named \u201cMom,\u201d saying \u201cyou got it [=the spot] wet so you can\u2019t see it.\u201d \u00a0This is of course a lie. \u00a0When questioned, the slave said, \u201cafter I had finally finished the dishes, I was told to take my possessions, including my spine\/dignity, and leave.\u201d \u00a0When the house was searched we found a shelf of tic-tac containers\/thimbles that the children kept their hope\/dignity\/esteem. \u00a0Next article: \u00a0MOM = DICTATOR FOR LIFE? \u00a0Nathan, resident of [street address], found out that Mom is appointed dictator for life so in short revolt\/exile is our only hope.<\/p>\n
June 29th:
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cMom! \u00a0Good news! \u00a0Bartleby [=the new gerbil] says we can stay in the house as long as we are quiet!\u201d<\/p>\n
July 4th:
\nSimon: \u00a0\u201cTruman has agreed to buy my debt.\u201d<\/p>\n
July 17th:
\nNathan, in a written summary of Celtic life: \u00a0\u201cCelts had the right idea in letting their women fight.\u201d
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cWhy would you say that?\u201d
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cBecause you people are ferocious!\u201d<\/p>\n
July 29th
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cI\u2019ve decided to become a song terrorist. \u00a0You sneak up behind people and sing one line of a song and then it is stuck in their head all day. \u00a0\u2018If you like pina colada . . .\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Aug 6th
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cI\u2019ve been reading a Latin-English dictionary . . . and now I know how to make up a bunch of new phobias.\u201d<\/p>\n
Aug 11th
\nTruman, singing: \u00a0\u201cI have money, money, money, to bribe the toddlers, toddlers, toddlers, to form an army, army, army, to defeat all the evil teachers, teachers, teachers.\u201d<\/p>\n
Aug 14th
\nTruman \u201cWhy don\u2019t we eat like civilized people?\u201d<\/p>\n
Aug 15th
\nSo we\u2019re at the skating rink and Truman asks Julie for money to get a snack. \u00a0Julie says no. \u00a0Ten minutes later, she sees Truman eating a piece of pizza.
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cWhere did you get that?\u201d
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s a long story.\u201d
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cI have time.\u201d
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cWell, last week, you gave me $2 for a snack but I only spent one. \u00a0Then, Emily said that if I gave her a dollar, she\u2019d give me a dollar and a quarter the next week. \u00a0She did. \u00a0I put that quarter in the gumball machine, but it didn\u2019t work. \u00a0I told the guy at the counter what happened and he gave me my quarter back and then another quarter because he was sorry. \u00a0Then I used my $1.50 and bought pizza.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sept 16th:
\nNathan: \u00a0\u201cThis weather suits me perfectly. \u00a0The rain sucks all of the happiness out of the world and it is like I am finally living with my own kind.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sept 22nd:
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cHow do we know that salsa isn\u2019t made out of people?\u201d<\/p>\n
November 8th:
\nNathan\u2019s handwriting assignment was to write things that an artist uses. \u00a0He wrote:
\n\u201cAn ego. \u00a0Nowadays they just get a bucket of paint and splash it on a canvas and call it \u2018art.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
November 14th:
\nNathan\u2019s handwriting assignment is to write six things a chef uses: \u00a0\u201cIf it is Jamie Oliver, a fake accent, vegetables, and guilt.\u201d<\/p>\n
November 23rd:
\nSimon wrote this:<\/p>\n
AN ODE TO SIMON<\/p>\n
Oh, Simon, without him what would I do?
\nwithout his grace, charm, wit, and style
\nthe house would suffer, like twas filled with old shoes
\nAnd poop in loads and piles.<\/p>\n
Oh, his marvelous brain breaks problems in twain
\nAnd over his brawn do many fawn.<\/p>\n
without him we would perish in droves
\nand be carted away in wheelbarrows
\nwhich is why his countenance revere we
\nFor he is always bright and cheery.<\/p>\n
he simonizes the counters and floors
\nhe works diligently at all chores
\nEveryone looks up to him
\nMy feelings cannot reach their brim
\nFor such a man of such great smarts
\nis the holder of many hearts
\nHe is supreme, he is the king!
\nwhy, He can do most anything.<\/p>\n
give him money, give him pride!
\nfor Simon is always on your side.
\nHe is the emperor of rhyme
\nAnd cooks with capers and thyme
\nand keeps his jokes in perfect time
\nand is a fan of lemon and lime<\/p>\n
yes, Simon truly is such fun, he is the one for everyone.
\nFor I would trust him with my life, and above my head to juggle knives.<\/p>\n
Without Simon what would we be? But stinky fleas on stinky cheese
\nthat are hunted by mangy bees, and cannot hold a sneeze
\nfor they are granted to reprieve
\nby the stinky cheese<\/p>\n
simon with his strength of brain
\nSimon who speaks not in vain
\nsimon who does not mind the rain
\nSimon upon which is no stain
\nSimon who doth smell like flowers
\nSimon who smiles for hours and hours
\nSimon who with my life I trust
\nWithout Simon, we\u2019d all be bust.<\/p>\n
all pale when compared to simon
\nWhether braniac or offensives lineman
\nFor Simon truly is the best
\nWho fears not any kind of test<\/p>\n
oh, Simon those these verses do thee not justice
\nThe witching hour is yet upon us
\nSo into bed I now shall go
\nTo let the ink tomorrow flow
\nto write your praises once again
\nand how I love you now and then.<\/p>\n
December 2nd:
\nTruman is playing a game on the iPod at church. \u00a0Julie decides to pester him.
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cCan I mess up your game?\u201d
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cNo!\u201d
\nJulie: \u00a0\u201cYou never let me do anything!\u201d
\nTruman: \u00a0\u201cYes I do! \u00a0I let you do my laundry and buy me stuff!\u201d<\/p>\n
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