Is it good, bad, or neutral, to have sex before marriage? This topic comes up often in discussions in many places. The church has taken the unambiguous position that pre-marital sex is wrong. For us as members, what does the church’s teaching mean about its (and our) attitudes about sex generally?
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\n(NOTE: This post is about sex. It’s not Playboy, and is not trying to be salacious, but it does discusses sex and Mormon attitudes at a level of frankness that might be higher than readers are accustomed to.) <\/p>\n
Will Baude (not a church member) suggests that sex before marriage should not only not be discouraged, but should actually be encouraged<\/a>. Baude writes:<\/p>\n I think it’s generally unwise for people (particularly people who view monogamy as generally desirable and divorce as generally undesirable) to get married before they’ve begun having some sort of sexual relations. Sex is important to marital compatibility . . . and it would be bad to be stuck married to somebody whose views about the purpose and details of sex were drastically different from one’s own.<\/i><\/p>\n (See also Baude’s further discussion here<\/a> and Evangelical Outpost’s critique here<\/a>).<\/p>\n Baude raises some valid concerns. Pre-marital abstinence results in entering into a marriage essentially blind to the other person’s sexual preferences and ideas. <\/p>\n Some of this blindness can be mitigated. One way to mitigate the blindness is by talking frankly about sex prior to marriage. However, my impression is that this is very seldom done. This blindness can probably be further mitigated to at least some extent by noting general habits of affection. (I.e., the girlfriend who doesn’t want to hold hands or kiss in public may be more likely to be a “cold fish” in bed as well.)<\/p>\n However, these mitigation techniques are less than perfect, and they are not always used. The result is that a number of Mormon couples — the majority, I would venture to say — enter marriage with no idea what the other’s sexual ideas are. They do not know if they are sexually compatible.<\/p>\n This can be a problem. There are different was in which couples may not be compatible. Couples may disagree about the frequency of sex — if one person believes sex should be a daily event and the other thinks it should happen monthly, this will create tension in the relationship. Similarly, attitudes may differ on what type of contraception, if any, to use. Finally, attitudes may vary about the propriety of sexual experimentation within marriage. (While some sorts of experimentation, such as multiple partners, are clearly off limits, other sorts are subject to each couple’s decisions).<\/p>\n We all know that sex is intense, and is tied to intense emotions. I believe that critics such as Will Baude are right to note that these disagreements can potentially lead to tension and even divorce. <\/p>\n