Comments on: Housework, resentment, and power, in a different light

By: Martin

Martin — Wed, 18 Oct 2017 17:53:08 +0000

I really appreciate this post. I’ve read it several times trying to get it all to sink in, and I keep coming back to it. I’ve never been the lead parent for the kids, but I can see how it all applies to me as well. I just wish I had read this earlier in life. Though, to be honest, it probably wouldn’t have sunk in. Some truths just can’t be appreciated except through experience, no matter how well framed.

By: Lori

Lori — Tue, 10 Oct 2017 02:59:02 +0000

These thoughts are helping me see that there are many more ways of understanding what seemed like a straightforward situation. I feel a little like a flatlander learning that there is another whole dimension. Thank you for your careful articulation. I am not confident that I yet understand the ramifications of what you’re saying, and after that there’s implementation, but I’m making a start. I am in your debt.

By: J Town

J Town — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 14:38:17 +0000

This was a marvelous post. A lot of things for me to think on in my own family. Excellent work, Rosalynde. I very much appreciate it.

By: Rachel E. O.

Rachel E. O. — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 01:44:31 +0000

I appreciate this take on the emotional labor concept that I’ve seen discussed on the interwebs lately. While the concept itself seems somewhat useful, I haven’t been sure what it means in my own life. My husband and I divide emotional labor (and whatever other kinds of labor, including childcare, hosuemaking, and breadwinning/work outside the home) quite equally and not according to traditional gender roles, but even after eight years of marriage (and with a preschooler in our family), we struggle to overcome a constant tendency to bean-count and nickel-and-dime one another on how we spend our limited combined reservoir of time, and especially, our limited emotional energy. I’ve been thinking of it as primarily a structural problem–we’ve designed our careers and our work-life balance and our childcare arrangements in such a way that our time spent on our careers and our personal time essentially have a zero-sum with those of each other, which makes it very hard not to resent any moments of inefficiency or exhaustion or selfishness on the part of the other. I do still think that’s problematic, though we haven’t been able to come up with any solutions that don’t have undesirable trade-offs. But this post, especially points 2 and 4, suggests to me ways that I could make progress, even in the absence of structural change.

By: Alison Moore Smith

Alison Moore Smith — Sat, 07 Oct 2017 17:52:08 +0000

Rosalynde, I love everything about this. Thank you so much.

On #1, my degree is in applied business. When I decided just before our first baby was born—much to my husband’s shock—that I was going to start a home business, instead of going back to work, the way to make the “homemaker” role not just palatable, but mostly enjoyable was to treat it like a business. Since then, being efficient and effective with those necessary-but-not-interesting parts has made it rather satisfying *and* has allowed me the time to do so many other things.

On #2. Holy cow. I needed that. Four of my six kids are adults and the fifth is a high school senior. Reading your post made me realize how much I still feel responsible for their happiness—and actually how much of my happiness depends on whether I’ve magically managed that “duty.” I’m not sure how to stop feeling that, but it’s something to work on.

By: ji

ji — Sat, 07 Oct 2017 12:59:27 +0000

I wish you continued happiness, and thank you for the time you put into carefully writing this posting. It is so refreshing to read an article that references a husband without bashing said husband.

By: Ben Peters

Ben Peters — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 21:30:04 +0000

Wow. This sentence strikes me: “Thinking about housework this [pragmatic] way allowed me to revalue my work in ways that did not demand love as payment and did not put my sense of being worthy of love into question.” So much follows from that. I think one of the beauties of the line of thinking you are laying out here, at least as I’m seeing it now, is that it lets one appreciate others’ housework in one context (i.e. our personally benefiting from Welch weekend hospitality, a real pragmatic plus) while also letting the same work slip at other times (to paraphrase Claudia Bushman’s response when we asked her how she did it all, there’s lots in life worth doing–and worth doing poorly). Anyway, thanks for the light!

By: Russell Arben Fox

Russell Arben Fox — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 18:47:20 +0000

Some terrifically insightful comments here, Rosalynde, particularly, I think, #2. In a certain sense, getting clear in my own head the difference between individualism (bad) and taking responsibility for one’s own self (good) has been a vital, ongoing intellectual project of mine for years; I love the way you express in that point the aim of such a project, which I think all of us should commit to. Bravo! (And by the way: you guys have a really cool house.)

By: Clark Goble

Clark Goble — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 16:37:25 +0000

Fantastic post Rosalynde.

By: Gina

Gina — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 16:14:15 +0000

So much wisdom here, Rosalynde. Thank you.