Smith Boys 2012
Nathan: “My New Year’s resolution is to see how many Primary (=Sunday School) teachers I can make have nervous breakdowns.”
Nathan: “In college I want to take a course in genetic engineering because then I could create skunkapotamuses.”
Truman: “Stop stressing Mommy out. You should be sent to one of those . . . what do you call it? . . . dungeons!”
Nathan: “We need a dungeon.”
Nathan: “Can I take the toaster apart and modify it so that the toast will hit the ceiling?”
Nathan: “Sorry it took me so long to do my math. I was in my room working on it with the door locked and I sneezed and got snot all over my hands and couldn’t figure out how to get out.”
Nathan: “Well, you don’t have to worry about me misbehaving in Primary anymore. Brother F_______ said that if we are good, we’ll get to have a party at his house with XBox and pizza.”
Julie: “Here’s to the power of bribery!”
Nathan: “That’s what I said, but he didn’t seem to appreciate that remark.”
Nathan: “Mom! I have another get-rich-quick scheme: Donner Party Snow Globes!”
Truman: “Why do pickles swell up so much when they form cucumbers?”
Julie is sorting through some children’s books to donate to charity. Truman comes in and starts to look at them.
Julie: “Did you want to save some of these?”
Truman: “No, there’s no point in keeping them since we aren’t going to have any more babies since you are too old. No offense.”
Truman: “To make my oatmeal more heroic, can I put a small thing of butter in it?”
A report from a Sunday School teacher: “So Nathan today was hilarious in primary. He was reading the scripture in front of the whole primary, gets to the reference, then adds “copyright 780BC”. The adults all chuckled. Then he was asked to pop a balloon and says “I’m not in the mood for a lawsuit today.” Your kids crack me up, but Nathan was particularly hilarious today.”
Julie: “You are so cute!’
Nathan: “Handsome, yes. Striking, indeed. But cute: never!”
Nathan: “One of the things I like about my math book is that they waste a lot of space on inspirational pictures, so there is less work to do.”
Truman: “Does the Bible say that Santa is real?”
Simon: “is eyeball juice hydrophilic or hydrophobic?”
Truman: “Are there any restaurants that serve human flesh?”
Truman: “Is ‘docent’ a swear word?”
Truman: “Why are the deacons at church not allowed to eat cheese?”
(We had to work out the difference between a “deacon” and a “vegan.”)
Nathan: “I plan on spending the day in a tree.”
We are playing a scripture trivia game.
Julie: “Who is the father of all lies?”
Nathan: “Hm . . . that’s a toss-up . . . it’s either Rick Perry or Satan.”
Truman: “If there were an earthquake or something, and there was a new land, would there be 51 stars on the flag?”
Truman: “When I was little I swore an oath to always eat cheeseburgers, fries, and ketchup.”
Nathan: “I learned something today. You should never experiment with uranium and weasels.”
Truman: “Dad, did God bind you and Mom together before you were born, or did you pick each other later?”
Nathan, who has lost a dare and is about to belly flop into the pool: “Vale, mater, morituri te salutant!” (Latin: “Goodbye, mother, those who are about to die salute you.”)
Truman: “Isn’t Santa kind of just taking over the special thing of Jesus’ birth?”
Nathan publishes a newspaper, The Daily Blah. Cover Story: SLAVE RACKET FOUND! SLAVES WERE FOUND IN THE LAND OF KIT-CHEN. In the land of Kit-Chen, a slave was found washing dishes and being yelled at for invisible spots. Our agents saw the slave leader, code named “Mom,” saying “you got it [=the spot] wet so you can’t see it.” This is of course a lie. When questioned, the slave said, “after I had finally finished the dishes, I was told to take my possessions, including my spine/dignity, and leave.” When the house was searched we found a shelf of tic-tac containers/thimbles that the children kept their hope/dignity/esteem. Next article: MOM = DICTATOR FOR LIFE? Nathan, resident of [street address], found out that Mom is appointed dictator for life so in short revolt/exile is our only hope.
Nathan: “Mom! Good news! Bartleby [=the new gerbil] says we can stay in the house as long as we are quiet!”
Simon: “Truman has agreed to buy my debt.”
Nathan, in a written summary of Celtic life: “Celts had the right idea in letting their women fight.”
Julie: “Why would you say that?”
Nathan: “Because you people are ferocious!”
Nathan: “I’ve decided to become a song terrorist. You sneak up behind people and sing one line of a song and then it is stuck in their head all day. ‘If you like pina colada . . .’”
Nathan: “I’ve been reading a Latin-English dictionary . . . and now I know how to make up a bunch of new phobias.”
Truman, singing: “I have money, money, money, to bribe the toddlers, toddlers, toddlers, to form an army, army, army, to defeat all the evil teachers, teachers, teachers.”
Truman “Why don’t we eat like civilized people?”
So we’re at the skating rink and Truman asks Julie for money to get a snack. Julie says no. Ten minutes later, she sees Truman eating a piece of pizza.
Julie: “Where did you get that?”
Truman: “It’s a long story.”
Julie: “I have time.”
Truman: “Well, last week, you gave me $2 for a snack but I only spent one. Then, Emily said that if I gave her a dollar, she’d give me a dollar and a quarter the next week. She did. I put that quarter in the gumball machine, but it didn’t work. I told the guy at the counter what happened and he gave me my quarter back and then another quarter because he was sorry. Then I used my $1.50 and bought pizza.”
Nathan: “This weather suits me perfectly. The rain sucks all of the happiness out of the world and it is like I am finally living with my own kind.”
Truman: “How do we know that salsa isn’t made out of people?”
Nathan’s handwriting assignment was to write things that an artist uses. He wrote:
“An ego. Nowadays they just get a bucket of paint and splash it on a canvas and call it ‘art.’”
Nathan’s handwriting assignment is to write six things a chef uses: “If it is Jamie Oliver, a fake accent, vegetables, and guilt.”
Simon wrote this:
AN ODE TO SIMON
Oh, Simon, without him what would I do?
without his grace, charm, wit, and style
the house would suffer, like twas filled with old shoes
And poop in loads and piles.
Oh, his marvelous brain breaks problems in twain
And over his brawn do many fawn.
without him we would perish in droves
and be carted away in wheelbarrows
which is why his countenance revere we
For he is always bright and cheery.
he simonizes the counters and floors
he works diligently at all chores
Everyone looks up to him
My feelings cannot reach their brim
For such a man of such great smarts
is the holder of many hearts
He is supreme, he is the king!
why, He can do most anything.
give him money, give him pride!
for Simon is always on your side.
He is the emperor of rhyme
And cooks with capers and thyme
and keeps his jokes in perfect time
and is a fan of lemon and lime
yes, Simon truly is such fun, he is the one for everyone.
For I would trust him with my life, and above my head to juggle knives.
Without Simon what would we be? But stinky fleas on stinky cheese
that are hunted by mangy bees, and cannot hold a sneeze
for they are granted to reprieve
by the stinky cheese
simon with his strength of brain
Simon who speaks not in vain
simon who does not mind the rain
Simon upon which is no stain
Simon who doth smell like flowers
Simon who smiles for hours and hours
Simon who with my life I trust
Without Simon, we’d all be bust.
all pale when compared to simon
Whether braniac or offensives lineman
For Simon truly is the best
Who fears not any kind of test
oh, Simon those these verses do thee not justice
The witching hour is yet upon us
So into bed I now shall go
To let the ink tomorrow flow
to write your praises once again
and how I love you now and then.
Truman is playing a game on the iPod at church. Julie decides to pester him.
Julie: “Can I mess up your game?”
Julie: “You never let me do anything!”
Truman: “Yes I do! I let you do my laundry and buy me stuff!”