Things I’m Banning

July 24, 2011 | 38 comments
By
  1. Quoting from Monty Python. Sorry, it’s just not funny when I hear you do it. This applies double to anything about being turned into a newt and getting better.
  2. Same goes for Princess Bride. Yes, it’s quite possibly the greatest movie ever made, but I don’t care that you can recite the whole thing word for word.
  3. And I’m especially banning the use of British accents by non-British peoples who defy bans #1 and #2. I shouldn’t even have to include #2, because Wesley wasn’t British.
  4. Also, the word “bloody”.
  5. The grammar rule that says periods and commas go inside quotations marks, even when they don’t apply directly to the quoted material. Use sensible placement rules, like questions marks and exclamation points! No?
  6. The use of “No?” as an emphatic.
  7. The observation that, if I were British, I wouldn’t have to include #3 or #5 in my list.
  8. Cap’n Crunch. It’s like razor blades in apples. What sadist designed a kids’ breakfast cereal that shreds the insides of your cheeks and the roof of your mouth, and especially that thing that connects the underside of your tongue to the bottom of your mouth?

Let me know if I missed anything.

38 Responses to Things I’m Banning

  1. Latter-day Guy on July 25, 2011 at 12:04 am

    Regarding your #8, there’s a section in Neal Stephenson’s (BRILLIANT!) Cryptonomicon that may rehabilitate the good Cap’n for you. Y’oughta give it a read.

  2. buraianto on July 25, 2011 at 1:17 am

    Amen to #5. Not sure about dissin’ the Cap’n, though.

  3. Chino Blanco on July 25, 2011 at 1:20 am

    Lingual frenulum. Catchy title but this is not the kerfuffle I was looking for. Moving along…

  4. Kent Larsen on July 25, 2011 at 2:28 am

    Chino (3), ah, so you do have an agenda!!?? [GRIN, sorry, I couldn't resist.]

  5. Chino Blanco on July 25, 2011 at 3:27 am

    Of course I have an agenda. Just like the OP. I mean, if Monty Python and Princess Bride are right out, then he must be one of those Star Wars or Star Trek fans. Ewww. Anyway, all apologies, Kent, I neglected to mention how pleasantly surprised I was to find that this post wasn’t some manifesto calling for peevish solidarity with the boys who wield the bannination sticks at that other mormonish group blog. Also, as it turns out, I clicked through and read this post b/c somebody finally managed to get my blog and youtube channel taken down and I figured maybe this was gonna be the culprit’s confession. Guess not, so still moving along …

  6. James on July 25, 2011 at 6:02 am

    I suppose it would not be a good time to point out that all this post does is show us the violence inherent in the system?

  7. Naismith on July 25, 2011 at 7:39 am

    “And I’m especially banning the use of British accents by non-British peoples ”

    Oh, I dunno. I took my older girls to London for spring break a few years back, and I remember this one time we were on a bus chatting with some locals. My girls are huge Dr. Who fans, and have talents in foreign languages, so they slip into various accents all the time.

    So the conversation wound down as the locals were getting ready to exit the bus. One lady said, “But tell me, dearie, if you really are from the states, why do you have a [Whatever-shire] accent?”

  8. Ray on July 25, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Amen to #5 – and amen.

    The use of “even” at the end of prayers. (“in the name of our Savior, even Jesus Christ. Amen”) ???? There is no good explanation for that one.

  9. Rameumptom on July 25, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Dane, so in what space are you banning all these things? Your home? Your office? Your Facebook page?

    Thankfully, free speech allows those of us who enjoy a good (or bad) English accent, and love quoting the Holy Grail plenty of places other than your parlor to do so.

    (Oh, and please re-read the above in a fake British accent! And yes, I was once turned into a newt, but I got better….)

  10. Ginger on July 25, 2011 at 9:14 am

    My kids (who are ages 4-11) and I enjoy a good conversation with a British accent now and then. Lately, more often than not. But we only speak with an accent in the confines of our home, so hopefully you aren’t banning it there. :-)

    I would like to ban people from saying “oh” when they mean “zero”. It really drives me bonkers.

  11. Last Lemming on July 25, 2011 at 9:21 am

    I shouldn’t even have to include #2, because Wesley wasn’t British.

    No, Wesley was an annoying kid who dropped out of the Academy and achieved Nirvana (or something). At any rate, nobody ever quotes him. In any accent. Ever.

    Westley, however, was not British.

    I would object to the banning of “bloody”,[observe the placement of the comma] but I’ve already had a (British) officemate ban it, so I suppose I can’t, nicht wahr?

  12. Kent (MC) on July 25, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Regarding #6, as a Spanish speaking missionary I found it really quote useful to say, “¿Qué no?” In English you have to say the very long phrase, “You know what I mean?”, or “you catch my drift?”, or the egonamical, “Am I right? Am I right?”

    So after my mission I did use “¿No?” for a while. It wasn’t until the first Pirates movie came out that I found the word “Savvy?” embodies all I wanted to say in a short two syllables. I currently use “Savvy?” regularly, but without any affectation; no pirate accents. Most people don’t even skip a beat with me in conversations and those that do find it amusing and enjoy it. FWIW, let’s find the right word for the right meaning and use the heck out of it, am I right?

  13. Dane Laverty on July 25, 2011 at 9:45 am

    #1 — Do share. I loved the Cap’n as a kid. It was years before I made the connection between eating Cap’n Crunch and having my mouth shredded.
    #3 — I ban your face.
    #7 & #10 — The British accent ban doesn’t apply to cute, fun, and otherwise carefree kids and teenagers. Just grown-ups.
    #8 — Agreed.
    #9 — Everywhere.
    #11 — What, his name is Westley?! That’s not even a name. My browser underlines it in the squiggly red “that’s not even a name” sign.
    #12 — You’ve convinced me, I’m rescinding #6, and I also support the vernacularization of “savvy”.

  14. Bob on July 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Please hold off your bannings on princess brides and British accents until I at least get to hear the voice of the HOT new princess Kate.

    But feel free to ban “Awesome!” from any post.

  15. Michelle Glauser on July 25, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Your #5 bugs me a little and I’m hoping I’m understanding it right–you like the British way?

  16. Dane Laverty on July 25, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Michelle, yes. This page illustrates the illogical nature of the American way: http://grammartips.homestead.com/inside.html .

  17. Ray on July 25, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Michelle, I love the “British way”, since, as Dane says, it just makes more sense than the “American way.” (Just typing that last “.” inside the quotation mark made me cringe. It is a perfect example of something that is totally “illogical”.)

    Fwiw, I didn’t learn it as the “British way”, so there was no cultural bias for me. I didn’t know it was the “British way” until someone pointed out that I wasn’t writing the correct “American way”.

    You can see how much I valued that insight.

  18. Paul on July 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Re: Cap’n Crunch, when I lived in Hiroshima years ago, I was headed back to the US for a business trip and asked our bishop (who was an American married to a Japanese wife) if he’d like me to bring him anything back. He asked for a box of Cap’n Crunch. I did bring him a box, which he HID from his children (about ages 6 and 4) so he could eat it all.

    BTW, I also didn’t like the mouth shredding quality of the Cap’n. And I found other cereals made by the same company (Quaker) were similarly destructive. I broke a tooth eating a bowl of Quaker gravel-that-posed-as-cereal. (It might have been Oatmeal Squares.)

  19. Amber on July 25, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    I agree with most of your list (my husband is a Monty Python fan, and it drives me crazy!)
    My list includes not saying

    PIN number
    ATM machine
    VIN number
    etc.

    I hate it when people repeat themselves, and are redundant, and say the same things over and over.

  20. Jennie on July 25, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Re #5. Many rules of grammar and punctuation are illogical, but they work because we generally agree to abide by them. Now, if you can get The Chicago Manual of Style to change to British style, I will agree. In the meantime, I prefer American style because I don’t have to know whether the original quotation ended in a period or not.

  21. Gilroy on July 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Amen to the ban on fake British accents. I don’t know why those grate on my nerves so much, but they do.

  22. Rich Alger on July 25, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Lol on the Cap’n Crunch!

  23. Alison Moore Smith on July 25, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    1. and 2. I banned recitation of movie stories long ago. (In other words, do NOT go to a movie and then come home and try to tell me the whole thing. Ever.) Movie quotes, however, are just about like scripture in our family.

    Favorite quote (just to break your declared rules):

    “You came back from the dead to tell me that I’m odd?”

    Which can be used in all sorts of fine communications and has deep meaning.

    “Why can’t you tell me that you like my hat?”

    Which is perfectly appropriate anytime anyone complains about anything at all.

    Oh, and not to forget:

    “I’m rich and I’m modern and that’s all you need to know about me.”

    Obviously, you can use this gem in all sorts of social situations.

    3. Even our voice mail message is British. But I did live in England, so I can call myself British if I want to. (Forget that is was only for four months when I was 19 and my dad was on sabbatical…I’m British, I say.)

    4. Being British, as I am, I concur. That’s just terribly vulgar.

    5. “Blasphemy and outrage.”

    6. Yes? Yes!

    7. Exactly.

    8. You ever eaten Grape Nuts?

    Let me know if I missed anything.

    We have also banned recitation of dreams. Dreams don’t even make sense to the person who HAD them. They make less sense to innocent bystanders.

    I have also banned the use of my clothing and/or bodily person as a tissue by my children.

  24. Alison Moore Smith on July 25, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    And I think we should ban the use of lingual frenulum on T&S.

  25. Dane Laverty on July 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Alison, it’s not all movies, just those two. You can quote whatever obscure line from whatever obscure movie you’d like, and I’ll have no problem with that. I should add an exception, however, for the Ketterings, who do an excellent Princess Bride rendition.

  26. Dane Laverty on July 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Oh, and Grape Nuts is the breakfast cereal of the gods.

  27. Grant on July 25, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    I, for one, will no longer participate in blogs that are annoyingly and overly intellectual. Where did you go to school, “Bruce”? The Australian University of Australia in Walamaloo? (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

  28. Marie on July 25, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Thanks for the laugh.

  29. Alison Moore Smith on July 25, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Dane, I think we’ll get along just fine then.

    One of my daughters had a boyfriend over for Thanksgiving dinner a few years ago. It was the first time we met him. His assessment when he left? “Wow, your family sure quotes a lot.” heh heh

  30. Hans on July 25, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    I never thought I would be able to honestly use the Family Guy in a T&S post (and have it be on-topic) but here you go in relation to #8:

  31. Bryan in VA on July 25, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    It goes without saying that banning the use of “flip” and “fetch” should be numbers 1 and 2 on any serious list.

  32. Mike Parker on July 26, 2011 at 12:22 am

    The trick to successful Cap’n Crunch mastication is to let it soak in the milk for a couple minutes before partaking. No shredded mouth.

    (Admittedly, it alters its fundamental nature from Cap’n Crunch to Cap’n Somewhat Soggy.)

  33. Paul on July 26, 2011 at 11:40 am

    @32: a couple of hundred minutes, maybe…

  34. yaknow on July 27, 2011 at 1:36 am

    The word “amazing. “

  35. psychochemiker on August 2, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Maybe we should have a poll about favorite breakfast cereals…

  36. m2theh on August 3, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    I have never had Capn Crunch shred my mouth.

    My brother had never seen Holy Grail (he was 22) and my 4-year-old daughter ran around saying “nee” at everyone, even at preschool.

    I once wrote a whole post on how everything i ever needed to know i learned from Princess Bride.

    http://allergictoparrots.blogspot.com/2011/01/life-lessons-from-princess-bride.html

  37. nat kelly on August 9, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    #5, yes! Yes. I have been disregarding that rule quite blatantly for years.

    It’s a living language people. Grow with it.

    However, “I could care less” will NEVER be acceptable. Ever.

    And I find Cocoa Puffs to be even more devastating in this regard that Cap’n Crunch.

  38. Robert on August 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    It is my duty to inform you that Grape Nuts Flakes is the cereal of the gods. All else is a step down.