Over the past year I have dealt with the process of grieving over a child. My child was born with a major heart defect that would have been almost immediately fatal without major surgeries. I would like to make a few statements based on my experience. In case you think I am deeply flawed and judgmental of others, through discussions with other parents in similar circumstances I have found that my experiences are very common.

First, when someone tried to help by offering doctrine, they may have thought they were giving comfort. I saw it as judgmental, inappropriate, and shallow. Please, just give a hug and say, “I’m sorry.” This is what CraigH mentioned about the Savior. The Savior cried with Mary and Martha. If we want answers, we know where to get them. If we are at a stage to explore our questions, we will go to the scriptures, the temple, writings by the prophets, etc. This does not happen immediately and does not happen on someone else’s timetable. Sometimes healing from grief never happens in this life. Don’t try and force healing from grief. Don’t tell us how to feel.

Second, before my son was born, someone reassured me that he could be healed. We had a number of deeply personal, private experiences through which we knew my son’s condition would not be taken away. We know that the gospel holds the miracle of healing from death and disability, but please don’t offer it as a platitude.

Third, I’m still puzzling over family members who never asked about our situation. However, also in regards to Bookslinger’s comments in this thread, I have learned that the inability of some people to show compassion does not mean they do not feel compassion or are bad or evil. It simply means that they do not know how to show compassion or do not know appropriate ways to express themselves. (I have to keep reminding myself of that.)

Fourth, if you don’t know whether someone is willing to talk about their situation or would like help, ask them. Perhaps you can say, “Would you like to talk about what it means for you to be childless/single/the parent of a disabled child?” They will either say yes or no. Don’t take it personally either way. I did appreciate the networking that put us in touch with other heart families.

Fifth, do not assume that because you know something of someone’s situation that you know all of their situation or that you understand how someone in a similar situation is doing. If people are willing to share and you are willing to listen, that is great. It still does not give you the right to make judgments.

Thank you to Ardis for posting the original essay. It offers mercy without the judgment that is so often present in these discussions.

I know a couple who’s adult daughter died in childbirth. As part of their healing process, they have been foster parents to a string of special-needs and handicapped babies. I think turning to those who are worse off, out of compassion, whether it be in actual service, or whether it be turning just your heart to them in preparation for something more concrete later, can of itself be part of a healing or restoration process.

As to your rejoinders of “speculative”, I think I’ve based my comments on scripture and upon words of modern prophets. They’ve been pretty clear about the likely destiny of those who live and die without any gospel law or gospel light at all, especially those who die before the age of accountability. For the rest of us, there are few hard-and-fast guarantees in the Gospel. The many promises are there, for sure, but do we really know in this life if/when we _attain_ the promise? Faith, by definition, is mostly speculative, based on Scriptural and scriptural words that we hope to apply to our individual situations. Only those who’ve had their calling and election made sure have any guarantee that they’ve actually _attained_ a promise, (and even then, only after quite a lot of exercising faith). For the rest of us, it’s pretty much faith, and _conditional_ promises.

So you’re right in that whether or not we will actually attain the Celestial Kingdom, or whatever degree therein, is speculation. However, the scriptures are replete with admonitions to “look forward with an eye of faith” and to _hope_, and “ponder the solemnities of eternity.”

There is a time to mourn, and a time to mourn with those who mourn. And there is a time to realize that sometimes the Giver chooses not to give, and doesn’t immediately tell us why. And sometimes the Giver decides to take away. Personally, I believe the Giver is also the great “Evener-Upper”.

This thread has surprised me. I have admired Bookslinger for quite a while, with his zeal to spread the Book of Mormon. It is a shame that such missionary zeal is not accompanied by compassion.

I was bemoaning an injured foot one day until I went to chuch and saw a man on a three-wheeled mobility vehicle, and he had no feet.

Being Jewish on my father’s side, I sometimes think of the Holocaust, and all the innocent lives cut short, many not having the opportunity to grow up, or marry or have kids.

One of the great messages of the scriptures and all the prophets, at least since Joseph Smith is how tragedies in this life don’t deprive us of blessings post-resurrection. God is the great “Evener-upper”.

You’re married, you know the gospel, you try to live the gospel, you’ve tried to have kids. You live in the greatest country on earth, in the most prosperous time in earth’s history. Count your blessings.

If God can grant spouses and children to the zillions of people who since the beginning of the earth died as infants so that they can be exalted in the highest degree in the Celestial kingdom, I don’t think you and your wife will be denied any blessings either.

According to a post by Kaimi somewhere, most of the exalted ones in the CK will likely be people who died in childhood. (And if you run the numbers, and look at the scriptural promises, it sounds right to me.)

The fact that you grew to adulthood, know the gospel, embrace the gospel, and found a spouse, all in mortality, means that you have achieved more in this life than most of the people whom you will share the CK with.

So you don’t have any natural kids in this life, and may not be able to adopt any. That will put you in the majority when you’re in the highest degree in the CK. Your minority status in Happy Valley (or wherever your ward is) is temporary.

Abraham didn’t adopt Ishmael, Abraham was Ishmael’s father. Ishmael was every bit as much Abraham’s son as was Isaac. The only reason Isaac inherited and Ishmael did not was that Isaac was the son of the first wife, Ishmael the son of the second. If your solution for a man who can’t conceive with his current wife is to follow Abraham’s example, you are recommending either polygamy, divorce, or an extra-marital child.