#72 The Monk– I don’t think you understand how unique your experiences were and how much of an anomaly you are for having had them. Private jets, underground tunnels, celebrity status, body guards, elderly health and immunity problems, personal attendants, traveling entourages, busy schedules, the church office building, introverted personalities, and a surprisingly small (and geographically limited) circle of family and acquaintances really put a damper on rubbing shoulders with the common folk.

One more thing: about 10+ or so yrs ago, there was an Auxillary regional women’s conference out here in the midwest. Some of the YW, Primary and RS Presidencies flew out and we drove for hours to see them. There were leadership training sessions, messages from the presidencies, testimony meetings, luncheons, choirs, art exhibits, plays, service projects, etc. (We had been doing a lot of work at the time with the RS’s literacy program.) One of the “sessions” was a Q & A time, in which the RS presidency took questions from the peanut gallery and also ASKED questions about the status of the auxillaries and programs. They asked us “what can we do to support you” and we asked them the same q in return. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! Everyone learned a great deal! The auxillary GA presidencies all said that they were excited to bring some of our ideas and input back to SL to the brethren. By the end of our Q&A, we had built a repore of sorts and in the spirit of listening and asking. We very respectfully asked about some of the bloggernacle type connundrums. That led to a lot of “ummm”s. I haven’t seen the Q&A time used very much at all before or since, which I think is a pity, b/c we need it, “umm”s and all.

D Fletcher, you just described Sunday School for us on Easter–a video of each Apostle discussing some aspect of his testimony. Worked great while they were talking about Christ, but it totally lost me once the focus shifted to the Restoration. It’s Easter–let’s talk about the Savior instead of Joseph.

We skipped this “stake conference” broadcast–driving 2 hours to watch a broadcast from SLC that isn’t local? No way. Someone on the web will post the transcript. In fact, I think RAF effectively covered it for me. The idea of actually driving to Fargo (3 hours one way) for this nonsense is absurd.

Many years ago Salt Lake Tribune humorist Robert Kirby proposed a classification system of Mormons based on their behavior at conference time. I remember it like this:

I. Square Conference Mormons (SCM)
a. Indoors
b. Outdoors

II. Home Conference Mormons (HCM)
a. Strict
b. Causal
c. Desultatory
d. Deferred

III. Other

SCM’s go to Temple square. Those who arrive early, get in and sit on hard benches with no leg room and witness in person our GA’s speak from a distance. Those who arrive later recline on the lawn and listen to the talks broadcast on loud speakers while they picnic. (It usually snows on conference weekend.) Some would go to other assembly halls and listen as the technology to do so emerged. Today the new Hinckley Conference Center with the free tickets renders this portion of the classification scheme completely obsolete. (SCM now means Supernacle Conference Mormons?)

HCM’s stay home and watch conference on TV or listened to it on the radio in a previous generation. Strict HCM’s borrow metal chairs from the nearby ward house and sit in rows reverently dressed in Sunday best. Full participation is required; heads bowed and eyes closed during prayers, stand and sing during hymns, no comments or other disruptions allowed. Causal HCM’s are up and dressed and lounge on comfortable furniture and eat a snack. Breaks to the kitchen or bathroom during hymns are allowed but quiet is expected during prayers. Children play on the rug in front of the TV and may run off for awhile when bored. Some brief positive comments are permitted but no lengthy discourses are to disrupt the concentration of the devoted listeners.

Desultatory HCM’s are in their pajamas and often sipping their sanka. They utter zingers frequently and may tell stories about dating the daughters/grandaughters of the speaker or beating up their sons/grandsons in a game of church ball. They may do humorous impersonations of the speakers and long contradictory diatribes may erupt. Speculation of every kind is the rule. Reading the paper or switching to other channels periodically happens. Conflict between more dedicated and less dedicated family members is almost inevitable. Deferred HCM’s record the sessions while they go somewhere like Lake Powell and watch conference later. Sometimes.

Other types include doing yard work (usually only on Saturday) with the radio turned up so loud during conference that the entire neighborhood can hear. If the entire neighborhood is Mormon, no one seems to mind. Or it includes taking a hike and listening to a conference session with a small radio from the top of one of the mountains overlooking the Salt Lake valley.

It seems to me that people close to Utah usually have large or extended families that gather for general conference. Those who live farther away or do not have large extended families substitute the ward family in its place. People who have satellite and can get general conference at home often invite their friends in the ward over. Now the Internet opens up more possibilities. Conflict can occur when invitations are extended across these classification lines. If a desultatory type happens to be invited to a strict home conference session, trouble is at hand.

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I think we can modify and apply this scheme to the modern stake conference experience.
SCM indoors in the actual audience of the GA’s is not often possible in the enormous modern church for those of us who live far from Utah. Maybe once every decade a GA comes to an area and they rent a coliseum and thousands drive hundreds of miles to be part of the event. I have attended 2 in 25 years since I moved away from Utah. I needed binoculars to see the visiting GA.

A variant of SCM outdoor subtype is possible every conference. We could broadcast general and stake conference outdoors at the ward house and have people come and picnic on the lawn. Most places have a more moderate climate than Utah and stake conference could be scheduled at times when the weather is likely to be nice.

HCM variants seem to be the direction we are going with stake conference far from Utah with the preponderance being of the strict variety. Except we haven’t entirely decided on substituting the ward house for the family home. We could, if we wanted to, designate different rooms in the church building for different styles. Formal in the chapel for those who prefer the strict approach. More causal for others in the soft chairs of the RS room.

Another room could be designated for families with disruptive children. Large screens with high volume to drown out the background noise. One thing to remember is that even though our children seem to be not paying attention and making all manner of disturbances and trips to the drinking fountain and bathroom, their minds do not function like those of an adult. Children absorb information around them from many sources all at the same time. They especially absorb attitudes and emotions well. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much they gather and retain.

(For those of you who have small children, it doesn’t get any better when they are teenagers. My daughter and her posse of 15 year old girls water-ballooned the full-time missionaries right before stake conference about a year ago.)

Finally, how about a room for the token intellectuals and trouble-makers? It could be a small dark room with an old black and white screen and the heat turned up a bit too high. Broken chairs and a coffee-maker that doesn’t work in the corner on the floor. The next step, after we get all these different conference types defined strictly and correlated throughout the church, is to have specific talks tailored to each group. Yeh, conference, a time for everyone to come together, each in their own individual way.

It seems to me we are going to have to decide whether to have folks physically gather for conference or whether we are going to allow most of us to experience conference at home, via satellite or internet (or whatever other digital wonder is next), where we might or might not invite friends over. I see advantages and disadvantages both ways. But I think there is something to the act of physically gathering, aside from whatever messages are delivered and by whom. It is what makes us into a community.

This reminds me that I need to send something in to ask for an updated FHE manual. That thing was published in 1983 at the latest.

That is a great way to put it, Rosalynde. And I think you’re absolutely correct; while his story about meeting a doubting missionary’s parents at a stake conference in Ohio, and then visiting that same missionary the very next week at another conference in Germany, was the most obviously example, just about all of his stories he told really did fall into that model.

“There was one exception: the story about his visit to drought-ravaged Australia (?), where everyone he met had names like ‘Brooks,’ ‘Rainy’ and ‘Stormy,’ and his own name was misspelled on the hotel register as ‘Monsoon.’”

That was totally my favorite part of his talk. I half-expected him to chuckle and quote Douglas Adams: “Funny old thing, life.”

There was one exception: the story about his visit to drought-ravaged Australia (?), where everyone he met had names like “Brooks,” Rainy” and “Stormy,” and his own name was misspelled on the hotel register as “Monsoon.” It never did rain, though. This was God as absurdist playwright.

Then Oaks, then Ballard, then

Wirthlin: called as apostle October, 1986