Mice and men

November 3, 2006 | 14 comments
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If we’ve learned one thing in the past week, it is this: Mice are not good Mormons. Mouse-ologists tell us that mice enjoy sleeping around, and apparently derive some health benefits from the practice. Oh, and they also like their wine, and we’re now hearing that a healthy mouse is a wine-bibber. No word as of yet on whether mouse wine-drinking is connected to mouse promiscuity. Follow-up experiments will focus on that question, and also whether mice can really tell the difference between a Robert Parker recommendation and a bland jug wine.

All things being equal, it’s likely that the antichrist is a mouse. (So Nate was on the right track, but took a wrong turn.) He’s a promiscuous, wine-drinking mouse, and probably one who doesn’t read his scriptures at that. And don’t even get me started on his sanitary habits. Also, this rodent antichrist has friends, lots of them. The legions of darkness are already attacking the homes of the faithful.

We must defend ourselves. Every home should have a 72 hour kit, a year’s supply, and a big box of mouse traps. Bait your traps with wine, and with pictures of female mice in scanty attire. May the best mammal win.

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14 Responses to Mice and men

  1. Ardis on November 3, 2006 at 7:01 pm

    Kaimi, let me report that I have already donned my whole armor in the battle you have so eloquently outlined. My breastplate of righteousness is snow white, my helmet of salvation is is gray, my sword of the spirit is razor sharp times ten. In short, the hope of my salvation in this particular war is named Toby. He’s a blue-eyed ten pounds of lightning-quick muscle and has been honing his skills on legions of grasshoppers in the past few weeks. He chief word of comfort is “Prrrrrrrrrrr.”

  2. Lynnette on November 3, 2006 at 7:03 pm

    If mice are the legions of darkness, that only goes to demonstrate even more clearly the truly divine nature of the cat. May the best mammal win, indeed.

  3. Tatiana on November 3, 2006 at 7:48 pm

    Awww, I like rodents!

  4. danithew on November 3, 2006 at 11:09 pm

    Kaimi, I was just thinking about how I miss your cheese-blogging. And now you are blogging about mice, which I think may merely be a pretext to bring up the topic of cheese.

  5. Margaret Young on November 4, 2006 at 12:42 am

    Kaimi, I think you are not giving appropriate room to the possibilities of missionary work. The mice you’re speaking of are not bad, merely unenlightened. They are perhaps a part of a Great Awakening, but their principles are not yet refined. They apparently enjoy plural marriage, but do not have the legal or literary skills to legalize the unions. They enjoy wine, but so did Joseph Smith. It took years for the Word of Wisdom to become fully a part of the Mormon way of life. And it was initially given by way of suggestion, not commandment. You are assuming that these mice would not be amenable to suggestion. Have you TRIED suggesting that they refrain from certain activities or drinks? And now comes the hardest question of all: How do you and the other mousologists know that mice imbibe wine freely and that they are promiscuous? Were experiments conducted in the wild, or were the cute little rodents given a beaker of wine in a cage? Were they perhaps given a choice of running on a treadmill or drinking wine? Of negotiating a maze or engaging in sex? What were the perameters of the experiments? Did all of the mice survive? Does the Humane Society know about it? And what are the implications for Mighty Mouse, who never slept around or drank wine (as those of us who were around in the 60′s can testify, having seen his life and muscles unfold on the small screen). And what about Micky? Surely you’re not suggesting–no, no. These kinds of studies could get you permanently banned from Disneyland. You are on the high road to–well, you’re not going to Disneyland. Let’s just leave it there.

  6. Anonymous on November 4, 2006 at 5:15 am

    There are a few things I like to remember when I read in the popular press about things like these mouse studies:

    1. Every medicinal drug is also a poison. It all depends on the dose. However, some substances cause people to desire more than the prescribed dose.
    2. When the popular press reports on medical literature, at least 50% of the time they misinterpret the studies or ignore out key elements which change the results. There is no substitute for looking at the actual study to see what outcomes were evaluated, which were ignored, and what the methodology was.
    3. Even the best medical literature has problems. Consider estrogen replacement therapy. For twenty years there was almost no doubt in the medical community that taking supplemental estrogen was beneficial and without risk. This was based on human studies – not an animal model. The evidence seemed incontrovertible. Then in 2002 the Women’s Health Initiative turned this on its head. And sadly, the data for most of what is done in medicine is much shabbier than the support for supplemental estrogen.

  7. danithew on November 4, 2006 at 5:28 am

    Margaret, that is all fine and good – but Mighty Mouse had luxuriant flowing hair – my long-established theory on this matter is that his membership in that most exclusive club and abstention from wine are indicators of a Nazirite vow.

  8. Nate Oman on November 4, 2006 at 9:00 pm

    ” only goes to demonstrate even more clearly the truly divine nature of the cat.”

    When was the last time that upon hearing that a person had been trapped in an avalache, the paramedics called “Get the rescue cat!”

    Has anyone seen any bomb-sniffing cats keeping them safe at the airport?

    How many police officers’ lives are saved each year by cats who willingly sacrifice themselves to protect their owners? (Are there any F-9 units?)

    And so on….

  9. Nate Oman on November 4, 2006 at 9:15 pm

    Oh, and has anyone seen a “seeing-eye cat”? NO! Why? Because cats are evil, self-centered, nasty, uncharitable animals. Just like deer…

  10. Ardis Parshall on November 4, 2006 at 9:37 pm

    Nate Oman is the only T&Ser I’ve met face to face. He seemed interesting, warm-hearted, with a certain glow about him.

    Strange, but I didn’t feel anything when we shook hands…

  11. Not Ophelia on November 4, 2006 at 11:58 pm

    When was the last time that upon hearing that a person had been trapped in an avalache, the paramedics called “Get the rescue cat!�

    Has anyone seen any bomb-sniffing cats keeping them safe at the airport?

    How many police officers’ lives are saved each year by cats who willingly sacrifice themselves to protect their owners? (Are there any F-9 units?)

    Obviously, cats are smarter than dogs . . . :~)

  12. Adam S on November 5, 2006 at 12:48 pm

    Perhaps the mouse promiscuity is a misunderstood religious practice such as polyandry?

    Post-mating sexual selection increases lifetime fitness of polyandrous females in the wild
    Nature 444, 89-92 (2 November 2006)
    Diana O. Fisher1, Michael C. Double1, Simon P. Blomberg2, Michael D. Jennions1 and Andrew Cockburn1

  13. queuno on November 5, 2006 at 7:56 pm

    I knew there was a reason Disneyworld seems like Hell.

  14. dsilversmith on November 5, 2006 at 8:50 pm

    So what are you a man or a mouse? SQUEEK UP!