This “getting slipped under the door” thing happened literally to at least one friend of mine. By the missionaries. Who had never met her before.

It’s interesting to have people who don’t know you at all feel like they have the right to judge you when you are not doing something that they feel is important.

Do you think the Catholics, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Muslims say things like, “The reason they don’t come any more is because they are offended?” And is it true when they say it, or only for us?

Due to this and a couple other events, she is writing her letter now, after trying to find a place in the Church where she can contribute with her unique and different views and ideas.

“Pretty much as I would if a guy engaged in any other incredibly destrictive habit, like drug abuse. To me, it’s simply too risky. And I’m amazed that with all the difficulties of marriage and family life that so many women are ready to start our with such a HUGE problem. More than that, however, is that they will bring children into such risky situations.

FWIW, the women I talked to were engaged to guys who’d been “sober” for six weeks to three months.”

But, isn’t it interesting that these guys are competent (or at least wily) enough, to get beautiful, worthy LDS women to get engaged to them? There are plenty of men without this habit who cannot seem to do so. So, let me get this straight: they have a habit which is as destructive as drug or alcohol abuse, but active LDS women are falling over themselves to marry them. What does that seem to indicate?

Now, maybe Alison has her pick of 20 guys who simply have never come into contact with lewd pictures simply because that doesn’t exist in their world. If so, great. Especially if they are equal or superior in all other areas as well to these pornography-consuming men.

More from Alison: “Steve, I understand the dilema here, but how should this be addressed? Viewing pornography IS shameful and it IS evil. How do you honestly portray a shameful, evil thing without recognizing that it’s shameful and evil? (Aren’t we all evil to the extent that we do evil things?) And how does it help to play that down?”

And that middle sentence–”aren’t we all evil” is sort of the key to it, isn’t it? Maybe Alison isn’t much more righteous than the men who are doing this “evil, shameful” thing. What if the men said, “I will only marry you if you aren’t critical or unkind for at least 5 to 10 years.” Reminds me of a talk at conference where the sister was collecting leaves with children. The children had many, many leaves in their bags at the end of the day. She only had a few, because she was looking for the ones that appeared “perfect to her”.

“The porn habit is fueled by guilt, low self-esteem, and internalized shame. I see a lot of GC talks intensifying that shame and confirming compulsive porn users’ suspicions that they really are evil, and perhaps even a lost cause. This will likely lead to further binging, no matter no strong their resolve is to kick the habit.

People don’t get over this problem unless they can again come to view themselves as inherently good people with good desires. They need to build self-confidence. They need to realize that they aren’t a lost cause. They need to feel comfortable opening up about their struggles …”

In other words, pornography (or excessive gambling, golfing, eating, watching sports, or playing computer games–or shopping, gossiping with friends, complaining about one’s spouse or retreating into depression) is a symptom of a problem. Not the problem. Trying to simply “forbid” the symptom is as easy as forbidding someone who has a cold from coughing.

“Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner” (President Kimball, Ensign, Aug. 1979, 5

Let’s start with the source–the deep and unmet needs–and then the problem will take care of itself.

Preaching so hard against this “easy target” (since alcohol, tabacco, and other outlets are closed to highly-pressured LDS men) is a great way to feel more righteous than everyone else, but not a good way to help the “offenders”.

President Hinckley has read this letter, what, maybe 5 times in General Conference? Why don’t they tell stories of men overcoming pornography, if through their prophetic insight, they know just how to do so? Christian churches have plenty of systems and groups to deal with these things, and it is not based upon shame and just saying “don’t do it”.

I will admit that I don’t spend a great deal of time focusing on the porn talks. I realize it’s a big problem, but since my family is not having an issue with it, I’m just not interested. Kind of like reading pregnancy books when I’m not pregnant. Nevermind…

But with the cursory review of them, it seems that they usually DO include things about the worth of souls and the ability to repent, etc. Are there actually a bunch of talks out there that are harsh and unrelenting in their condemnation? If so, I’d agree that–as with all sins–we need to have hope. I’ve always said that no one dealing with major issues should read Miracle of Forgiveness.

I suppose taking offense may have been a small part of my going inactive, but not the primary part. When I am feeling well as I have now for many years, it is hard for me to remember how low I was when I stopped going to church. A combination of factors led to my being suicidal, and I never felt lonelier, more blue, more isolated, than when I was at church. For one thing, the chapel was way too small for our Wasatch Front ward. No matter where I sat in the chapel, someone would come along and tell me I had to move – “We need this whole bench for our family.� I tried joking with them, I tried refusing to move, I tried ignoring them, I tried explaining that I needed to sit in the chapel where I could see because my eyesight was failing. Never mattered. They insisted, and rather than cause a scene, I moved to an uncomfortable folding chair in the cultural hall where I couldn’t see the speaker and where I was surrounded by all the squally, crawly kids whose parents thought it didn’t matter how much noise and movement they made since they weren’t in the chapel. I didn’t have home or visiting teachers. I had no job in the church. When my mother died, I couldn’t think of a single person who would care, so I told nobody.

Anyway, my loneliness got so bad that I knew I would give up and take my life if I didn’t do something. I couldn’t think of anything positive to do – I’m telling you, when you’re that far down, you don’t think straight – and all I could think to do was to stay away from people and places and things that made me feel worse. That included church. Nobody noticed – at least, nobody said anything. Nobody came to see me.

Eventually I got better, somehow. I wanted to go back to church, but I dreaded going back and having some sanctimonious soul fawn all over me – “We’re SOOOOOO glad to have XYZ here today� – because I knew if my disappearance meant nothing, my reappearance would mean nothing.

The greatest barrier to going back, believe it or not, was that I didn’t know what time the meetings were (the wards in the building rotated meeting times every year or two, and I had lost track). You’d think that I could figure out the time by watching when my neighbors left for church – this was Utah County, after all! – but because of the peculiar design of my lots and the neighbors’ fences, I couldn’t see them leave for church, even after watching for months. Now I know to call Member Services in Salt Lake for that information, but I didn’t know it then.

I was finally able to move to another town, and I’ve been fully active ever since.

So. Did I leave because I took offense? Maybe. I was hurt and felt ignored and pushed away, which might count as offense. On the other hand, I wasn’t in full control over my brain and emotions. I don’t think I was offended in the same class as the examples given by Elder Bednar.

But if my ward members had actually noticed my disappearance, they probably would have chalked it up to some unknown offense, especially after hearing Elder Bednar’s talk.

Would I have appreciated receiving a copy of Elder Bednar’s talk? If somebody had just slid it under my door, I really WOULD have been offended. The only contact in however many years, and they assumed they understood why I wasn’t active and presumed to tell me what I should do about it? The nerve!

But, if somebody – perhaps the home or visiting teachers that I had never had in that ward, ever, even once, despite several years of full activity before leaving – had come to actually talk to me, and asked me the questions Elder Bednar said he asked, and with the same sense of compassion and really wanting to know, I think I might have responded well. I’m certain I would have asked what time meetings began, even if I made no promises about attending.

But either having the talk delivered anonymously, or delivered by somebody who assumed that I was fully at fault for my inactivity because I had unrighteously taken offense at somebody’s offhand remark, would have been truly offensive and counterproductive.

Sorry for writing at such great length. I would prefer to sign my name, but since divulging this kind of personal information on the web sometimes can come back to bite, I’ll have to be anonymous.

I completely agree with you. The Church is moving in this directly, slowly and surely. As noted, it has created a new website, http://www.combatingpornography.lds.org. The new Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts pamphlet is helpful, particularly the second half. The first half is more oriented to people who are not addicted, who may be “social drinkers”, so to speak. Beginning at page 5, the pamphlet speaks to the many brothers who feel discouraged and shamed about having tried so many times to stop, and failed. (For example, it states, that to recover, “To do this, you need most of all to know that your Redeemer loves you. He has the power to help you. He died to pay for the sins of all who repent and follow Him.”) The pamplet does not mention the Church’s 12-step groups, but the website does (as does the Bishop’s Guide associated with the new pamphlet).

I agree, of course, with Alison, that pornography is harmful and shameful (and not just in the LDS culture). And perhaps the fear of shame may be useful in keeping people away from it. But for someone who feels trapped, shame is a tool of the adversary.

The new pamphlet, as well as the new Addiction Recovery Guide (available on the link to the Church’s ARP and PASG meetings), are not intended to be shaming, but solution focused. And by and large, I think they succeed in approaching the problem in a positive, nonshaming way.

Importantly, the new Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts pamphlet also contains positive, solution-focused suggestions for wives and other loved ones of those who struggle.