The next great Mollywood horror movie

August 5, 2006 | 49 comments
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Let’s face it — we haven’t hit the mainstream until we’ve broken into horror movies. And the possibilities for Mormon horror are enormous. After a quick brainstorm with danithew (of Blog-Diss fame), I’m chuckling about some of the possibilities. In the best Julie-Smith tradition, let me present:

Raising Cain.

Livestock are disappearing outside of a small town in the Utah hills. Branches rustling in the night. Strange footsteps by the riverbed. Is it a drifter? A group of local vandals? Or could it be . . . Cain?

Redeeming the Dead.

Zombies decide that they’d like to be baptized for the dead, and they kidnap a temple president to make it happen. Can he escape? Will he be eaten? And can he figure out how the undead fit into Mormon theology?

Stake Conference.

This year’s youth conference takes the youth out into the mountains, where they inadvertently awaken a group of hungry vampires. The stakes are high, and the testimony meeting won’t be boring this time.

Blood Atonement.

Ward members are disappearing, and detective Zina Jones wonders whether the disappearances correlate too closely to priesthood interviews. Has Bishop Johnson been reading too much early church history? Could it be that he has decided to revive the doctrine of blood atonement?

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49 Responses to The next great Mollywood horror movie

  1. danithew on August 5, 2006 at 2:53 pm

    Do Mormon Zombies eat brains? Maybe brains with carrots in them?

  2. Kaimi Wenger on August 5, 2006 at 3:05 pm

    All the President’s Wolves

    A mission president is desperate to meet his numbers, so he makes a deal with werewolves, adding them to the mission. They tract surprisingly well, and all goes well at first. Then then the converts start acting a little strangely . . .

  3. Bored in Vernal on August 5, 2006 at 3:58 pm

    Dead Prophets Society

    A group of liberal students from BYU meet under cover of darkness to discuss some of the prophets’ little known statements. Can they keep it a secret from their fellow classmates? Can they escape the clutches of the (gasp!) Strengthening the Members Committee?

    The Hunchback of Salt Lake City

    Returned missionary is hideously maimed on his way back to SL and rejected by his fiance. Takes refuge in the inner recesses of the Salt Lake Temple, where he alternately frightens temple patrons or sends them into religious ecstasies.

  4. Julie M. Smith on August 5, 2006 at 4:16 pm

    Oooh, Bored, those are goooooood.

  5. Bored in Vernal on August 5, 2006 at 4:18 pm

    Kaimi, you corrupter! I’m finding myself becoming increasingly tasteless as I can’t get this post out of my mind.

    Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hinckley

    The prophet’s evil side is brought out by a magic formula. Starring Marie Osmond as the innocent maid.

    LaVonda Frankenstein

    Infertile Mormon couple conspires to create their own baby. LaVonda uses skills she has learned in Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment Meetings to bring the infant to life.

  6. Jack on August 5, 2006 at 5:20 pm

    –Creature from Lagoon–

    –War of the Wards–

    –The Brides of Frankenstein–

    –The Mommy–

  7. Hans on August 5, 2006 at 7:35 pm

    Valley of the Mollies

    They came from beyond the grave, wearing their pioneer dresses and hats, clutching materials to make quilts and other homemaking crafts!

    Seven Brides for One Brother

    Seven Gentile girls find themselves lost in Utah, doomed to become the wives of one old Mormon buck.

    You Want Cream and SUgar?

    A feckless Gentile attempts to open a Starbucks in the capital of Utah Valley Mormondom, Provo, Utah! (oops! that one’s already been made!)

  8. Mike on August 5, 2006 at 8:21 pm

    Jello o’ Death

    Sis. Whipple unexpectedly goes into violent convulsions at the ward social. Then Bro. Partridge does, too. Accusations fly and the ward’s unity is in jeopardy. Maybe those aren’t marshmellows in the jello…

    Baptists are the Barbeque

    Ward Mission Leader Stan Young decides that if he can’t convert them he’ll sautee them instead.

    The Tunnel

    A savage beast ravages half of the Twelve on their way to Conference through the tunnel under Salt Lake City. Apostles Oaks and Holland learn that only one thing will defeat the beast. Special guest appearance by Sylvester Stallone.

    Sherri Cluff: Mormon Bishopess

    Ok. Just kidding on this one. But the others are serious.

  9. Don on August 5, 2006 at 8:32 pm

    Stoned

    Local Bishop drinks too much…congregation rocks him to sleep.

    Movie Madness

    Local theater in Orem shows rated R movie. Community protests are heard in Spokane….opps that’s reality!

    Church Puts the Squeeze On.

    Members now required to pay tithing, ward budget, building fund, scout dues, temple fund, missionary fund, and still help their neighbors.

    Monson and the Monster Pigeons

    The pigeons President Monson use raise use their connections to raid the Bishop’s storehouse growing to enormous size and leaving their deposits all over town.

  10. MikeInWeHo on August 5, 2006 at 10:26 pm

    The Del Parson Code

    Professor Palmer witnesses Hugh Nibley being shot dead in the Museum of Church History and Art by the mysterious albino Uchtdorf. Palmer discovers evidence that Nibley realized the BoM was not an ancient document and was about to publish his work to the Church. A thrilling chase across the west ensues as Palmer and his lovely assistant Jan Shipps are hunted relentlessly by Uchtdorf and the other 12 Protectors Of The Dark Secret. At the movie’s climax, the Urim and Thummin is dropped onto the floor of the geneology vault and broken to bits. In the end, Palmer and Shipps agree it’s best to keep the truth hidden in the interest of promoting faith.

  11. Brother Clair on August 5, 2006 at 10:56 pm

    LaVonda Frankenstein.

    Hey! These are Mormon movies. LaVonda is the husband. Or LaVerl, or DeVere, or

  12. danithew on August 6, 2006 at 12:17 am

    Churches Without Crosses or Discussion With A Vampire

    Storyline: A vampire decides Utah’s religious ambiance is more to his taste. He settle down in southern Utah and invites the missionaries over for dinner.

    The Holy Ghost Goes to Bed At Midnight

    A sixteen year old boy and girl pair off by themselves for a date and stay out past curfew. They get the fate all such young couples deserve. Eaten by werewolves or whatever.

    The No-Descendants

    A group of thirty-something LDS not-so-young-adults living in Sandy, UT refuses to pair off and get married. Instead they get together for casual dinners on a regular basis … until one day the group decides to go spelunking. They get trapped in some underground caves and run into some awful gollum-like cannibalistic creatures. None get out alive. At the next General Conference, President Thomas S. Monson replaces his “don’t drop the ball” story with their sad tale.

    I Know What You Did During the Last Two Years

    One P-day, an entire district of elder and sister missionaries runs over a hitchhiker with their bicycles. They leave him for dead and try to forget about it. He comes back to get them.

    Night of the Non-Living Emeritus General Authorities

    Paul Dunn is back. And man is he pissed.

    Unrighteous Dominion

    Sister Dolores Claiborne.

    the Danithewites

    After their ancestors caused a general ruckus well over a hundred years ago, they apologize for whatever it is they did.

  13. Bored in Vernal on August 6, 2006 at 2:09 am

    Home Teacher From Hell

    Lurking under the earth is an alien being bent on taking over the earth. He transforms himself into a jolly home teacher and gains access to homes all across the earth.

    Dirty Mary

    Fresh-faced young Mormon boy marries his sweetheart in the Temple. On their wedding night he discovers The Gum Has Already Been Chewed!

    Harry Potter and the Chamber of Peek-rets

    Harry and the rest of the young men are tempted with unrighteous thoughts by the YW who are wearing immodest clothing. As they spy on the girls through a peek-hole in the utility closet, the room is transformed into an Edgar Allan Poe-type chamber which slowly begins to compress….

  14. Bro. Jones on August 6, 2006 at 2:15 am

    Anything involving the Primary would automatically be a horror film. Bonus points if the kids eat the token “All Children Are God’s Perfect Love Made Flesh” member of the Primary presidency.

    #13 “The Gum Has Already Been Chewed!” ROFL! That’s one way to put it. :)

  15. Wacky Hermit on August 6, 2006 at 9:58 am

    I’m not a big horror fan myself so I can’t think of any horror plotlines, but it would be funny if there was a liquor store named “Spirit Paradise” in the movie.

  16. DKL on August 6, 2006 at 11:18 am

    Here’s my idea:

    The Cannibal Branch

    Hyrum and Lucretia Pratt go on vacation in Western Texas, where they visit a small Mormon branch that eats people. Wait until you see what’s in their year supplies.

  17. danithew on August 6, 2006 at 3:13 pm

    DKL, that angle is an interesting one. Food storage could be pretty creepy, if you think about it. All those dusty old bell jars that have been sitting around for ages.

  18. Fluid_Dynamics on August 6, 2006 at 10:36 pm

    NCMOratu

    LDS vampire comes to terms with religious beliefs and being undead–decides hickeys are a reasonable compromise

  19. Sasha on August 6, 2006 at 10:46 pm

    Tickle me Alma
    Tickle Me Alma toy comes alive and goes on a rampage at a local ward’s Trunk-or-Treat party…

    Lilburn Boggs, a Napa monster
    A mormon family on vacation is lured into the vinyards of Napa Valley by a ghost of the former Missouri governor. Will they partake of the forbidden fruit?

    Alien Resurrection
    A mexican mormon’s randezvous in Heaven with U.S. President Mitt Romney who signed his order of deportation.

    The Substitute Teacher
    Silent Creek ward’s gospel doctrine teacher disappears. A less known member volunteers to teach next Sunday. But when the partition curtains are shut, no one expects this lesson…

    13th Article of Faith
    A plot to steal the Wentworth letter manuscript is uncovered by the curator of the Church Museum of History and Art. The curator removes the document to protect it and deciphers a hidden message within. Will he be able to deliver the message to the world, or will he take his secret to the grave?

  20. Mark IV on August 6, 2006 at 11:36 pm

    Danithewites – that’s pretty good, Danithew. Where do I sign up?

    Here are my suggestions.

    Portergeist

    The unresurrected spirit of Orrin Porter Rockwell restlessly roams the earth. He settles old scores and administers the law of justice in his own unique way. Tares, beware! Wheat! Wheat!

    Dawn of the Danged

    J. Golden Kimball goes to the MTC where is undergoes torture as he is forced to unlearn his native lingo. He is reeducated and learns to say “Flip, Elder!” and “Oh my heck”.

    Scout Camp

    Crazy men vanish into the woods with young boys for days at a time. They take as provisions axes, hatchets, knives, propane, kerosene, and lighter fluid. The also pack such deadly substances as strawberry soda pop and MREs. The are subjected to such nightmarish experiences as sunburn, poison ivy, mosquitoes, woodticks, ptomaine poisoning, and near drownings.

  21. danithew on August 6, 2006 at 11:46 pm

    Mark, the Danithewites are very strict. Anyone who comes to my blog and leaves a comment gets to join up.

  22. Brigham on August 7, 2006 at 6:19 am

    \”Called to Sever\”

  23. Mark IV on August 7, 2006 at 1:49 pm

    Planet of the Grapes

    Visitors to another planet think they have landed in a nice suburb, but they soon realize they see plastic grapes, scrapbooks, tole painted calendars, and framed copies of the proclamation everywhere they look. They discover to their horror that they are under the control of a group of women engaged in a deadly, stepford-like competition to outmolly one another and create a place where you see RS crafts everywhere you look. The visitors eventually put their own eyes out, just to make it stop. Is this hell? No, it’s HPFE.

  24. Eve on August 7, 2006 at 2:21 pm

    I don’t have any ideas of my own, but these are making me laugh until I cry. Someone, please, start writing, casting, and shooting! I wanna see!

  25. s on August 7, 2006 at 2:41 pm

    What Eve said!

  26. Silver on August 7, 2006 at 3:15 pm

    I nominate Bored in Vernal, danithew, and Sasha to head up the team of writers. Team = all other contributors so far. Someone call Kieth Merrill!

  27. Silver on August 7, 2006 at 3:36 pm

    I nominate Bored in Vernal, danithew, and Sasha to head the team of writers. Team = all other contributors so far. Someone contact Kirth Merrill! Richard Dutcher? Neil LaBute?

  28. Dan S. on August 7, 2006 at 4:06 pm

    Impaled by an Angel
    A “side-splitting” tale about a wayward angel, with broad-sword in tow, who makes heavenly visitations to worthy couples that plan to marry outside of temple. They are offered the chance to comply, but will the bride be willing to lengthen her stride (and her wedding gown sleeves)? Will the groom exchange those boxer for briefs? The wrong choice could cost them their eternal lives. . . .

    The Devil and Danithew
    An ardent bloggernaculite sells his soul to become the greatest blogger in all Christendom. But, when the Devil comes to take his due, can Danithew outwit the beast and regain his soul? Co-starring DKL as the Devil (what?).

    Nightmare on 700 S 12300 W
    Young Elders uses their priesthood to brink a stick to life. The stick beats one to death and intends to finish off the other. Can he contact his Zone Leaders leaders in time . . . or will murder finds its “sticking” place?

  29. Seth R. on August 7, 2006 at 4:16 pm

    Satan rides again in power and majesty upon the waters ….

    Of Deer Creek Reservoir!

    Bet you wish you’d gone to Church today instead…

  30. bbell on August 7, 2006 at 4:32 pm

    I am finding this thread very very funny.

    I am not witty enough to add anything but I applaud all of you……

  31. danithew on August 7, 2006 at 5:20 pm

    I’d like to see a movie where bad boys J. Golden Kimball and Porter Rockwell rise from the dead, team up and egg each other on in a nihilistic splatter-fest. It should all end with police officers surrounding a diner as the undead J. Golden Kimball demands a waitress to “put some coffee in my postum.”

  32. Scotth on August 7, 2006 at 6:28 pm

    MTC – Missionary Terror Center

    The 2,000 stripling warriors stand guard over the MTC as the spirits of darkness try to infiltrate and tempt the young missionaries to listen to Backstreet Boys music.

  33. Hans on August 7, 2006 at 8:54 pm

    Eastward the Wagons

    A group of disaffected English converts get fed up with Brigham Young and life in Utah (“We left England for this??”). They attempt a run for the border to go “back East”. Will they make it out of the territory or will Porter Rockwell and his band of Danites “head’em off at the pass”?

    Handcarts to Hell

    A handcart company reaches Devil’s Gate in Wyoming only to find that the Gate is aptly named; a subterranean door to the “hot place”!

    But We Only Signed The Guestbook

    Picture a young couple traveling the roads of America. They stop at Temple Square in Salt Lake City and take the tour. In an innocent act they sign the guestbook. Two months later they showed up on their doorstep: two young men wearing nametags, and they wouldn’t leave! Ahhhhhh!

  34. Sasha on August 7, 2006 at 9:43 pm

    White Men Don’t Sleep. Part 1, Abraham’s bosom
    Elders Larson and Bingham are lost while tracting in the desert wilderness of Uganda. They organize a branch among a tribe of cannibals. At first, all goes well, and the cannibals make amazing progress as the missionaries read the scriptures to them. They even start a literacy club called “The Reader’s Digest”. But late one night, elder Larson awakens to discover that he has been partially eaten.

    White Men Don’t Sleep. Part 2, The Black Widow
    Elder Bingham and the chief’s beautiful daughter, Manyara, run away to elder Bingham’s native Idaho and get married. The old chief finally finds them and, in his revenge, stages a freak accident in which Elder Bingham dies. Elder Bingham appears to her in a dream and tells her of eternal marriage. But it’s still 1977. Can she wait?

  35. Sasha on August 7, 2006 at 9:48 pm

    Lost in Translation: The Purgatory
    OK, I won’t even go there……

  36. Jack on August 7, 2006 at 11:09 pm

    –When Two Strangers Call–

    –Soylent Greeny–

  37. Brenda on August 8, 2006 at 1:42 am

    ET

    A bright-eyed cub scout finds Yoda in his back shed. He decides to convert him to Mormonism. The lessons are well received and, in return, Yoda teaches the boy to fight like a real intergalactic warrior with all the tools of “the force�, thus unhinging the boy’s hidden talents and untapped potential. All goes well until the boy’s toddler sister (think pudgy cheeks and blond curls) sings to Yoda: “Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.� Yoda feels the spirit and is inspired to help her become a sunbeam . . . literally, by sacrificing her to the sun . . . literally! He crafts an intergalactic communication device out of an IPod mini and kidnaps the girl into a spaceship. The boy barely fights his way aboard and they spar in space, well-intentioned good against well-intentioned good. Will all the prayers of the ward bring the two children back? Will lessons on hidden talents and missionary work ever be the same? And finally, how could our church culture be so misunderstood?

  38. manaen on August 8, 2006 at 2:00 am

    36
    “Soylent Greeny” — I do like that one!

  39. danithew on August 8, 2006 at 9:58 am

    Horror movies specifically designed for the Bloggernacle:

    God Is In the Embryo

    A giant human embryo attacks Adam Greenwood and Matt Evans. As a matter of principle, they refuse to defend themselves.

    Poobusters

    Given the opportunity to choose their own fate, a giant baby rises from the imagination of the Feminist Mormon Housewives. He attacks them with, well, you guessed it.

    King Kong Steals the Peach

    Snarkernacle suffers the ultimate punishment for mispelling its url.

    Steve EM Scissorhands

  40. danithew on August 8, 2006 at 10:01 am

    The Chupacabra

    Danithew gets attacked by the Bloggernacle’s guardian beasts for that last comment.

  41. jimbob on August 8, 2006 at 4:03 pm

    Death by Cheese

    A deranged Lou Midgley appears unannounced at the door of the Tanners while they’re having fondue. Little do they know he’s brought his own highly lethal fondue forks.

  42. queuno on August 8, 2006 at 5:00 pm

    Silence of the Lambs of God –

    Mute Primary zombies terrorize High Priests babysitting them during a Homemaking meeting.

  43. Dan Richards on August 8, 2006 at 5:34 pm

    5ifteen

    Clever serial killer methodically eliminates one lapsed Mormon for each of the 15 temple recommend questions.

  44. Dan Richards on August 8, 2006 at 5:46 pm

    Menaces to Society

    Unmarried Mormon men, on reaching their 30th birthdays, turn into psychopathic killers.

  45. Aaron Brown on August 8, 2006 at 6:37 pm

    “Esnakes” on a Plane

    Innocent young elders, flying home from their missions in Latin America, are viciously accosted by a horde of young, nubile “investigators,” eager to investigate whether the Law of Chastity isn’t really more of a “guideline” after all.

  46. Kaimi Wenger on August 8, 2006 at 6:44 pm

    Re #45:

    Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
    Sir Galahad: I don’t think I was.
    Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
    Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
    Sir Lancelot: No, it’s too perilous.
    Sir Galahad: Look, it’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
    Sir Lancelot: No, we’ve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
    Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

  47. Sasha on August 9, 2006 at 12:33 am

    (George) Walker, Texas Ranger
    Pres Bush and Dick Cheney are hunting endangered deer in the backwoods of Texas. Orrin Hatch walks in on them. In a moment of panic, the VP shoots the mormon senator. Who will save the face of GOP when the news reaches the El Paso Expositor? Will the Minutemen vigilantes take the blame?

  48. Keszaya on August 11, 2006 at 12:50 pm

    The Sixth Sense or Lady in the Water

    Spiritually in tune teen encounters folks from another world in the temple baptismal font. Tells temple worker “I see dead people.”

  49. manaen on August 11, 2006 at 3:03 pm

    45 “esnakes” — wow, do we *still* call them “snakes”??? (mine was 1971-3 in S. America)

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