Some place high, cool and breezy spiritually, too, which is the subject of this thread. I haven’t visited for a while & upon my return I’m delighted to find this absolutely wonderful thread. Thanks to all.

Looking back, I probably should have just evoked my Big Gulp metaphor, which, believe it or not, can be applied to EVERYTHING: religion, faith, sports, parenting, sex, death, love, gardening, stamp collecting, and spelunking.

I’m an analytical creature and the more studying and thoughtful prayer I pursue, the more questions I have. This must mean that doubt is central to my growth (not an easy growth path to take, though). At church I listen to other women bear very emotional and emphatic testimonies. I wonder, “How can they state that so strongly and emotionally?� “How much thought have they put into that belief?� It appears that some can gain a testimony easily and never look back.

That’s not my gift. I’ve concluded that I’ll never be like those women. I’m constantly trying to reconcile my beliefs with what I learn about the world around me. I constantly feel insatiated and want to learn more and more to get the information I need to reconcile my many questions.

I appreciate the advice to take it slowly. That is working for me. I’ve also learned to hone in on what I fear, figure out what the question is, and to be at peace with not knowing how everything turns out. Also, an invaluable tactic that I adopted years ago is to discern between core Gospel principles and church culture/history. This has helped immensely.

My greatest asset: I have a lot of faith in God and a strong belief that the Atonement is for all of God’s children, not just those who have it all figured out. Thank you all for sharing your personal thoughts.

You’re ringing my bell, brother. My very best wishes to you.

And Matt, I hereby dub you the most metaphorical commenter in T&S history. :)

What’s the alternative? Forcing myself to accept them (as I used to do) is, as you said, like banging your head against the wall, or as I explained, getting stuck on the side of a wall/cliff. Eventually, you’ll either crack your head open, or loose your footing and fall/crash to the ground. Why not add a little padding, or retreat down the wall a little? Don’t all LDS do this? Don’t some of us add some Polygamy padding or Blacks/Priesthood padding here and there to our faith/belief “Wall” ? I’ve added more padding than most, but it has allowed me to maintain a space amongst my LDS brothers and sisters. If I were forced to accept an unpadded wall, I’d probably have to bail.

I’m curious about your comment, “But the peace I have felt is not faith. It is the peace one feels when one stops banging one’s head against the wall.” That pretty much describes my initial feelings after I “embraced my doubt”. After awhile I found I was able to rebuild some faith. I’ll be curious if the same happens with you.

For me, “embracing my doubts” absolutely meant plunging head first into studies of BOM historicity as well as an exploration of alternative faiths like Buddhism. My conclusion was this: “If the Church is TRUE, then truth will overcome any honest inquiry.” I actually got pissed off that I was protecting this fragile, tiny, meager testimony from the elements out of fear that there was nothing really worth protecting. Shouldn’t TRUTH be able to withstand the elements? Why was I acting like my house was built on sand instead of stone?

Obviously, I wouldn’t recommend this path for everyone, but I felt I was at a place in my life where I was mature enough to handle it. Frankly, as I’ve explained before, I had no other alternative. I tried the ponder/pray/fast/endure-to-the-end approach and it wasn’t working; it brought me to a standstill.

The key of course is “*honest* inquiry”. This is where Rosalynde’s “go slow” advice comes in handy. (By the way, I’m sure I’ve ventured way off the path Rosalynde intended with her post… sorry, please feel free to distance yourself from my advice.) But “go slow” backtracking down the mountain, or plunging into your questions relative to BOM historicity, etc. (Armand Mauss gives similar advice.) “Go slow” means don’t do anything rash; don’t throw it all away. I’ve maintained my activity in the Church throughout my journey. For every Vogel or Brodie I read Bushman or Hill. (Surprisingly, they ALL speak to me.)

So, what I meant when I said “embracing my doubts brought me closer to God,” is that I was now actively searching for God (or “meaning”) again, and by searching for him/her/it I seem to find him/her/it again and again. Yes, I was searching before, but I kept looking under the same rock.

Again, my advice probably runs counter to LDS teachings relative to Doubt (not to mention the advice of many here at T&S)… but like you, I once felt, as you say in #27, “When I go to church, I do not get the sense that God is there.” Now, call it what you will, a “burning bosom” or whatever, I feel like I’m more tuned into “God’s frequency” (not unlike how I felt in my teens and twenties), whereas all I heard for six of the past eight years was “static” (to borrow once again from R.’s post).

I would simply add that you do not destroy a man’s house without providing him with a way for a better one.

Similarly, you do not destroy a sister’s faith without showing her and better house of belief or commitment.

I’ve always conceptualized this as applying to my actions toward others. But I just now realized that it also applies to my dealings with myself. I should not discard my own system of belief until I have found something better that I wish to live for.

Abandoning testimony without any alternative object of belief is foolishness and will lead to despair and bitterness.

Rosalynde: The reason I said “nor do I know why I would want to . . . ” is that I believe I should only want to believe the truth. The Restoration is a wonderful thing, if it is true. I want it to be true, but I want to believe it only if it is true. I appreciate your candid responses.

I was struck by your phrase, “Nor do I know why I would want to [work out a conviction of the Restoration].” Perhaps this is part of the blankness you feel? Could the introspective of work of discovering *why* you would want to believe provide any further light? I don’t know.