Comments on: I am now officially not young

By: Thomas

Thomas — Tue, 11 Apr 2006 06:24:45 +0000

Regarding #57. I’m sorry that 2 of the 3 LDS guys you know aren’t very patient. Your problem, however, seems to be more basic than most. Joseph Smith, Sr. was forced by crop failures to move from Vermont to Palmyra because he was in the wrong place. Maybe someone is trying to tell you something.

By: Christmas

Christmas — Sun, 09 Apr 2006 02:56:28 +0000

“The fact is, most women I talk with who are lamenting the paucity of marriageable men already have worthy men interested in them, just not â€œengaging, attractive, and intelligentâ€? men. But men who might make good husbands and fathers of their children. But Iâ€™m not judging, just pointing out the fact in the interest of being truthful and complete. Why should anyone â€œsettleâ€? for someone anyway? ”

There are only 3 single LDS men I know. I seriously believe we have nothing in common that would make a good match. I do not think they are appropriate candidates for me, and vice versa.

On the other hand, I am always willing to casually get to know a guy and become friends. I have hoped many times that maybe if the guy will be friends with me first I can grow to love him. Most LDS guys I knew are not that patient. But more to the point, I simply do not see or meet any LDS men anywhere anymore with whom I would have the CHANCE to learn to love.

It is easy to meet single non-LDS men, but for some reason, not so for single LDS men. After a certain age,and with the lack of a single’s ward I think it becomes a challenge.

By: Thomas

Thomas — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 07:48:59 +0000

Regarding earlier posts (comments 27, 28, and 29) in which women were seeking “engaging, attractive, and intelligent” men, and were finding them outside the Church: hey, why not settle for a worthy Priesthood holding man? The fact is, most women I talk with who are lamenting the paucity of marriageable men already have worthy men interested in them, just not “engaging, attractive, and intelligent” men. But men who might make good husbands and fathers of their children. But I’m not judging, just pointing out the fact in the interest of being truthful and complete. Why should anyone “settle” for someone anyway?

By: Beijing

Beijing — Tue, 04 Apr 2006 00:07:40 +0000

54. It was clear to me that Melinda was talking about one particular ward in which marriage and kids were almost the exclusive topic of discussion during the block meetings. I can see how that might create a situation where those particular mothers were so busy connecting with each other in wife/motherhood-specific ways that they were not bringing up their other interests and abilities during that time, and perhaps not even having their own non-wife/motherhood-specific needs addressed during that time. They probably heard somewhere that it’s perfectly fine to talk solely in generalities that don’t address the exceptional needs of one person in the room.

By: Julie M. Smith

Julie M. Smith — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 23:29:01 +0000

“And since I didnâ€™t have husband or kids, I had no way to connect with the women in the ward and make friends.”

Melinda, I am sure you didn’t mean this to be offensive to mothers, but I don’t know how to read it except to conclude that you think that mothers have no interests or abilities outside of their children and/or no ability to connect with another woman unless she has the same.

BTW, I like your “ask me out and I’ll say yes” approach. Brilliant.

By: Melinda

Melinda — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 22:32:07 +0000

I attended singles wards up until I was 30. By and large, I really liked them. I was too clueless to be part of the dating games. Singles ward lessons are first-rate, as the teachers actually talk about the lesson material. The second family ward I attended never worshipped Christ at all – there was the 15-minute sacrament ordinance and then a 2 hour 45 minute family and parenting seminar. And since I didn’t have husband or kids, I had no way to connect with the women in the ward and make friends. After a while, I figured out why there were no other single people in that ward and I quit going too.

As far as getting Mormon guys to ask you out (Sarah #31), I can actually give some advice because I started doing something radical and four months later I was dating somebody wonderful. Here it is: tell every guy you meet (except the scary ones) that you’d say yes if they asked you to dinner. Even the geeks.

That’s it. Tell them they do not need to fear rejection from you and they will ask you out. My hubby (we’ve been married five months now) is painfully shy and was terrified about asking anyone out. I cheerfully threatened to twist his arm until he took me to dinner and he finally caved in. I twisted his arm for a second date, and after that he picked it up and I didn’t have to do any more arm-twisting. I did have to tell the other guys I was dating that I didn’t want to go out anymore, but hey, easy come easy go.

I went from having one or two dates a year to having one or two dates a week by telling guys they should ask me out. Most of them I met on an LDS singles site. Flirting online is much easier than flirting in person. I know some people would rather have their teeth pulled than sign up to date online, but it avoids all the problems about dating in the singles ward that have been mentioned, and the dating pool is *huge*.

By: Kevin Barney

Kevin Barney — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 17:25:46 +0000

Re #35, I saw a notice in our ward bulletin for a singles activity that would include speed dating. I hoped that if they did this they would dispense with the last part where people check the numbers of the people they want to date. I don’t see how this would work in a limited universe LDS community, even if it is done at an area conference. The LDS context lacks the anonymity that makes speed dating possible elsewhere.

By: D. Fletcher

D. Fletcher — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 15:39:40 +0000

I was mostly commenting on the overall tone of the ward meetings. Every community has its advantages and disadvantages, and also, some people will respond favorably to a community, others, not so favorably. I myself have never enjoyed being labeled as a single, which you’d think would happen more often in a family ward, but it isn’t so. In the singles ward, I was old, ugly and unwanted. In the family ward, I’m was just the organist or the high priest group teacher, or both.

By: John David Payne

John David Payne — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 15:28:41 +0000

D.,

I think you’re right that the unique environment of a singles ward has some spiritual disadvantages, but it has advantages as well. I have had many people say to me that they find it easier to have a reverent sacrament experience without the hustle and bustle of children in a family ward. And in a singles ward, I have the opportunity to meet and get to know all the women in the ward during Sunday School, because they are not confined to the primary ghetto.

Don’t get me wrong. I like children, and I ENVY those who have primary callings. (Although there is a new church policy which would make it impossible for me as a man to be called as a primary teacher anyway, unless I was chaperoned by a woman.) I also like old people, and I have wanted to attend High Priests’ group for years. (I guess I was born a curmudgeon.)

But singles wards aren’t all bad. I for one, have had some very moving spiritual experiences worshipping in a singles ward. I have also had some crappy experiences, like the one you describe with the idiot spouting meanness from the pulpit. This, however, is not a unique part of the singles ward experience. It’s part of the church experience, and not just this church, either. It’s part of the human experience, for better or for worse.

By: Christmas

Christmas — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 06:45:42 +0000

I know some areas must have singles wards that are not very spiritual. For whatever reason I haven’t run into that. Not only have they been incredibly positive, spiritual, and uplifting, but I also have had some exceptionally knowledgable Gospel Doctrine teachers in singles’ wards.

It’s great to allow singles who don’t like the ward freedom to choose to attend a family one. It’s a shame though to punish all singles by forcing them to lose the family closeness of their singles’ group. The only place I can go to feel accepted and normal now is activities with non-church members.

As for dating, I sit home alone every night even though I constantly get asked out by normal, fun, attractive non-members. At some point I wonder if I should just start accepting. But then I think where can that lead. I have no reason to expect those people would ever accept the gospel. I didn’t have this conflict when I had a group of LDS single peers.