Comments on: Platinum Wedding Bells http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/ Truth Will Prevail Thu, 24 May 2012 04:49:18 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Colin Jensen http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-107926 Colin Jensen Fri, 18 Nov 2005 17:31:45 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-107926 I know I'm a few weeks too late for anyone to read this, but I used to run one of the large bridal magazines in Utah, and for 10 years have owned a wedding invitations company. So, first, let me say that Mormon weddings don't average $26K. Nationally, the average bride spends $26K, but around here we average $10K. MUCH of that comes from our temples being free, and the reception centers being cheap or free (gyms are free, real reception centers in Utah at least are I know I’m a few weeks too late for anyone to read this, but I used to run one of the large bridal magazines in Utah, and for 10 years have owned a wedding invitations company. So, first, let me say that Mormon weddings don’t average $26K. Nationally, the average bride spends $26K, but around here we average $10K. MUCH of that comes from our temples being free, and the reception centers being cheap or free (gyms are free, real reception centers in Utah at least are

]]> By: annegb http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-106035 annegb Fri, 04 Nov 2005 21:20:00 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-106035 The pictures we took with disposable cameras spread among trustworthy friends were almost on the level of the professional photographer's. In fact, I think some were better. The pictures we took with disposable cameras spread among trustworthy friends were almost on the level of the professional photographer’s. In fact, I think some were better.

]]> By: Nathaniel http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-106014 Nathaniel Fri, 04 Nov 2005 20:06:48 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-106014 I think the underlying assumption of this entire discussion is a little naïve. The idea seems to be that the average cost of a wedding (26,000) indicates that people are spending too much on weddings. First of all, you can't necessarily tell much about what an “averageâ€? person is spending on a wedding based on the average cost of all weddings. You have to think of all the multi-million dollar Hollywood weddings that are tipping the average away from what people closer to a normal socio-economic scale are doing. Just because the average cost of a wedding is 26,000 doesn't meant that most people are actually spending anywhere near that amount. And secondly, wealth and money are always relative. I think what we want to avoid is extravagance. Dollar amounts aren't the best measure of extravagance. There are too many additional variables that need to be taken into consideration. For example, it may be perfectly fine in Utah to have a wedding in a cultural hall. That's great. But when my wife and I got engaged perhaps the fastest wedding plan we made was that we would never, under any circumstances, have our marriage in the cultural hall. It's not that the cultural hall isn't “good enoughâ€? for us (I would have been happy to elope). Secondly, we also decided that we would serve wine at our wedding. Lots of it. Most of our friends and family are not Mormons, and we wanted them to feel comfortable. These types of decisions are especially important when most of the family can't come to the temple sealing. There's plenty or room for moderation between the extremes of being a pharisee with our faith and being ashamed of it. The rest of our decisions followed the simple objective: make the wedding as close to what my wife wanted it to be, and as comfortable and happy an experience for the guests, as was possible without going into any debt. The result? We had a couple hundred non-Mormons experience a Mormon wedding as a wonderful, fun, awesome party. There was music with A LOT of dancing, there was a Muslim as the best man giving the toast, and there was mingling and friendship for all. A lot of the stereotypes of intolerance and prudery we don't need were dispelled, and my father's beautiful description of what marriage means to Mormons unabashedly – but humbly – presented the Mormon faith to our friends and my wife's family in a way that left everyone comfortable. We spent about $5,000 on the whole thing – although it cost more because a nice lady in the church picked up the tab for the catering (we weren't going to cater, but she didn't want my mom and my wife's mom trying to prepare food during the reception). The point of this isn't that everyone should have a wedding like ours – it's that there's no point to trying to use dollars to estimate whether or not a wedding is appropriate. And if people feel pressured to “keep upâ€? with the rising costs of weddings, that's no excuse to spend exorbitant (relative to their means) money on their own wedding. On a final note – I understand that if someone is going to dozens of weddings a year it may be hard to get a nice gift, but many Mormons are so horribly, embarassingly stingy that the absolute least you can do is at least pick something cheap that's on the registry. My wife and I made sure we had plenty of suggestions in the below $20 range. A lot of our guests were college undergrads, we didn't expect expensive gifts from them. I don't mean to offend anyone with that “stingyâ€? comment and I'm sure there are lots of exceptions. But out here the more “Utahâ€? a Mormon is, the more they're likely to skip tips entirely. It's horribly embarassing to me to see it happen, and it annoyed me greatly when people would do it to my wife. She was a waitress for a couple of years, and NO ONE tipped worse than the Mormons. I'm less than year out of college, I don't come from a family with a lot of money, but I know that if you have the money to spend on eating out you can leave a decent tip for the hard-working people (who probably have even less than you) who depend on your tips to make the most of their money. Just had to get that out of my system. I think the underlying assumption of this entire discussion is a little naïve. The idea seems to be that the average cost of a wedding (26,000) indicates that people are spending too much on weddings. First of all, you can’t necessarily tell much about what an “averageâ€? person is spending on a wedding based on the average cost of all weddings. You have to think of all the multi-million dollar Hollywood weddings that are tipping the average away from what people closer to a normal socio-economic scale are doing. Just because the average cost of a wedding is 26,000 doesn’t meant that most people are actually spending anywhere near that amount.

And secondly, wealth and money are always relative. I think what we want to avoid is extravagance. Dollar amounts aren’t the best measure of extravagance. There are too many additional variables that need to be taken into consideration.

For example, it may be perfectly fine in Utah to have a wedding in a cultural hall. That’s great. But when my wife and I got engaged perhaps the fastest wedding plan we made was that we would never, under any circumstances, have our marriage in the cultural hall. It’s not that the cultural hall isn’t “good enoughâ€? for us (I would have been happy to elope).

Secondly, we also decided that we would serve wine at our wedding. Lots of it. Most of our friends and family are not Mormons, and we wanted them to feel comfortable.

These types of decisions are especially important when most of the family can’t come to the temple sealing. There’s plenty or room for moderation between the extremes of being a pharisee with our faith and being ashamed of it.

The rest of our decisions followed the simple objective: make the wedding as close to what my wife wanted it to be, and as comfortable and happy an experience for the guests, as was possible without going into any debt.

The result? We had a couple hundred non-Mormons experience a Mormon wedding as a wonderful, fun, awesome party. There was music with A LOT of dancing, there was a Muslim as the best man giving the toast, and there was mingling and friendship for all. A lot of the stereotypes of intolerance and prudery we don’t need were dispelled, and my father’s beautiful description of what marriage means to Mormons unabashedly – but humbly – presented the Mormon faith to our friends and my wife’s family in a way that left everyone comfortable.

We spent about $5,000 on the whole thing – although it cost more because a nice lady in the church picked up the tab for the catering (we weren’t going to cater, but she didn’t want my mom and my wife’s mom trying to prepare food during the reception).

The point of this isn’t that everyone should have a wedding like ours – it’s that there’s no point to trying to use dollars to estimate whether or not a wedding is appropriate. And if people feel pressured to “keep upâ€? with the rising costs of weddings, that’s no excuse to spend exorbitant (relative to their means) money on their own wedding.

On a final note – I understand that if someone is going to dozens of weddings a year it may be hard to get a nice gift, but many Mormons are so horribly, embarassingly stingy that the absolute least you can do is at least pick something cheap that’s on the registry. My wife and I made sure we had plenty of suggestions in the below $20 range. A lot of our guests were college undergrads, we didn’t expect expensive gifts from them.

I don’t mean to offend anyone with that “stingyâ€? comment and I’m sure there are lots of exceptions. But out here the more “Utahâ€? a Mormon is, the more they’re likely to skip tips entirely. It’s horribly embarassing to me to see it happen, and it annoyed me greatly when people would do it to my wife. She was a waitress for a couple of years, and NO ONE tipped worse than the Mormons. I’m less than year out of college, I don’t come from a family with a lot of money, but I know that if you have the money to spend on eating out you can leave a decent tip for the hard-working people (who probably have even less than you) who depend on your tips to make the most of their money.

Just had to get that out of my system.

]]> By: Caren Freeman http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-105408 Caren Freeman Wed, 02 Nov 2005 22:50:38 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-105408 A $5000 budget for a wedding reception that is supposed to be a celebration of an eternal event is not too much or too little to spend and will not cause financial ruin. There are some main problems with LDS weddings which cause costs to rise and cause people to go to the other end of extreme and throw the cheapest wedding reception which gets ridicule from those who choose not to go to that extreme. 1) Everyone thinks they need to invite everyone in the ward or anyone they have ever met or associated with in a calling. High guest list counts automatically mean higher cost if you want to have anything that isn't "cheap" looking. If the bride and groom and their parents would only invite those people who are close family and friends and who really care about your eternal event, say 100 people total, then the costs would go down dramatically. There might even be more meaning to the event if you know most of the people there. I think most young couples are thinking, more guests, more gifts. Just this last week my mother-in-law got a wedding invitation from someone... who they don't know. They don't recognize the names or the faces in the picture. And it was even from out of state. 2) Decorating the gym... need I say more? There is the cost for massive decorations and rentals of linen, etc. trying to not make it look like a basketball court. Why not use a hotel or other location? They provide setup/take down, linens, real dishes and silverware, menus to fit your budget (just tell them what your budget is, how many people, what type of food you're looking for and you would be amazed with what they come up with), and you only have to have minimum decorations (table centerpieces usually). Some allow you to provide your own cake and music. The setup and take down convinced my mom to use a hotel for my sister's wedding reception after 3 months earlier she did mine in the church gym. She ended up paying less for the hotel reception than for the one at the gym. Sometimes even switching the wedding to a Thursday or Friday will cut the price drastically. And those that really want to come will take the day off work to come. An added bonus will be that if it isn't at the church, guests will most likely come dressed for the occassion (hence, no blue jeans and tee-shirts), and they will also leave their children at home (since they aren't on the invitation anyways) . 3) Gifts... it is nice to know where someone is registered, but it is tacky to put the registry cards in the invitations implying that the guest needs to buy you a gift and off your list. If they want to know if you are registered, they will usually call and ask. 4) Where is the groom's family in this? They need to help with the bill. They are inviting people too. Divide up the cost somehow to make it fair. And then they probably should have some say in how the money is spent. 5) Reception versus Open House. If you aren't going to have any entertainment/program or a sit-down meal (buffet or served), then the reception is really an open house and should be advertised as thus. An open house is what I think you really are throwing if you go to the extreme and only spend $1000 or less for some mints and punch, you might just be using the gym instead of a house since you have invited the whole Stake. 6) Since most people are changing from having a full receiving line, guests have no clue who the parents are. When I attend a reception for a friend I think it is nice to meet the new spouse's family. When you don't introduce them in some way and the bride and groom just walk around aimlessly stopping here and there, it becomes chaos. If guests would arrive on time and sit down, then a bride and groom could introduce the parents and family from a microphone and then walk around to tables to talk to guests. The way to get mosts guests there on time (since LDS shamefully have some problem with this) is to have a start time, but no end time on the invitation. 7) Clothes... tux or suit... why is this so difficult? A tux is used for the most formal of occassions in our culture. Is not a wedding the most formal occasion for an LDS couple? Of course the guests should not wear tuxedos and formal wear. But Sunday best is the appropriate dress for weddings. 8) Reduction in wedding party members.... what happened to having bridesmaids and groomsmen? They are supposed to pay for their clothes anyways so it really has no reflection on your budget except for flowers. Yes, don't go to extremes, but at least include siblings and their children. They do like dressing up too usually instead of blending in with the other guests. 9) If you don't want to do a meal, then do a dessert buffet, or appetizers. And have enough. No one remembers that you had too much, but everyone always remembers if you run out. 10) Photography... should be professional or someone who really knows what they are doing. It is the only thing that you can look back at and show your children some day. It is always worth the price. Shop around for a good deal. Overall my opinion is that LDS wedding receptions need to be more personable and intimate. Fewer guests, elegant/romantic setting, some sort of program/outline of the event, not rushed (groom trying to step up the timeline so he can get to the honeymoon), food fitting the occassion. The occasion should be one to remember nicely, not one to remember as embarrassing later in life. LDS and non-LDS wedding are always going to be different. Non-LDS people don't have the same standards or concept of marriage as we do. You can't compare them. The cost of your wedding is not going to cause a divorce. If you think that is a main factor, then you have bigger problems. A $5000 budget for a wedding reception that is supposed to be a celebration of an eternal event is not too much or too little to spend and will not cause financial ruin. There are some main problems with LDS weddings which cause costs to rise and cause people to go to the other end of extreme and throw the cheapest wedding reception which gets ridicule from those who choose not to go to that extreme.
1) Everyone thinks they need to invite everyone in the ward or anyone they have ever met or associated with in a calling. High guest list counts automatically mean higher cost if you want to have anything that isn’t “cheap” looking. If the bride and groom and their parents would only invite those people who are close family and friends and who really care about your eternal event, say 100 people total, then the costs would go down dramatically. There might even be more meaning to the event if you know most of the people there. I think most young couples are thinking, more guests, more gifts.
Just this last week my mother-in-law got a wedding invitation from someone… who they don’t know. They don’t recognize the names or the faces in the picture. And it was even from out of state.
2) Decorating the gym… need I say more? There is the cost for massive decorations and rentals of linen, etc. trying to not make it look like a basketball court. Why not use a hotel or other location? They provide setup/take down, linens, real dishes and silverware, menus to fit your budget (just tell them what your budget is, how many people, what type of food you’re looking for and you would be amazed with what they come up with), and you only have to have minimum decorations (table centerpieces usually). Some allow you to provide your own cake and music. The setup and take down convinced my mom to use a hotel for my sister’s wedding reception after 3 months earlier she did mine in the church gym. She ended up paying less for the hotel reception than for the one at the gym. Sometimes even switching the wedding to a Thursday or Friday will cut the price drastically. And those that really want to come will take the day off work to come. An added bonus will be that if it isn’t at the church, guests will most likely come dressed for the occassion (hence, no blue jeans and tee-shirts), and they will also leave their children at home (since they aren’t on the invitation anyways) .
3) Gifts… it is nice to know where someone is registered, but it is tacky to put the registry cards in the invitations implying that the guest needs to buy you a gift and off your list. If they want to know if you are registered, they will usually call and ask.
4) Where is the groom’s family in this? They need to help with the bill. They are inviting people too. Divide up the cost somehow to make it fair. And then they probably should have some say in how the money is spent.
5) Reception versus Open House. If you aren’t going to have any entertainment/program or a sit-down meal (buffet or served), then the reception is really an open house and should be advertised as thus. An open house is what I think you really are throwing if you go to the extreme and only spend $1000 or less for some mints and punch, you might just be using the gym instead of a house since you have invited the whole Stake.
6) Since most people are changing from having a full receiving line, guests have no clue who the parents are. When I attend a reception for a friend I think it is nice to meet the new spouse’s family. When you don’t introduce them in some way and the bride and groom just walk around aimlessly stopping here and there, it becomes chaos. If guests would arrive on time and sit down, then a bride and groom could introduce the parents and family from a microphone and then walk around to tables to talk to guests. The way to get mosts guests there on time (since LDS shamefully have some problem with this) is to have a start time, but no end time on the invitation.
7) Clothes… tux or suit… why is this so difficult? A tux is used for the most formal of occassions in our culture. Is not a wedding the most formal occasion for an LDS couple? Of course the guests should not wear tuxedos and formal wear. But Sunday best is the appropriate dress for weddings.
8) Reduction in wedding party members…. what happened to having bridesmaids and groomsmen? They are supposed to pay for their clothes anyways so it really has no reflection on your budget except for flowers. Yes, don’t go to extremes, but at least include siblings and their children. They do like dressing up too usually instead of blending in with the other guests.
9) If you don’t want to do a meal, then do a dessert buffet, or appetizers. And have enough. No one remembers that you had too much, but everyone always remembers if you run out.
10) Photography… should be professional or someone who really knows what they are doing. It is the only thing that you can look back at and show your children some day. It is always worth the price. Shop around for a good deal.

Overall my opinion is that LDS wedding receptions need to be more personable and intimate. Fewer guests, elegant/romantic setting, some sort of program/outline of the event, not rushed (groom trying to step up the timeline so he can get to the honeymoon), food fitting the occassion. The occasion should be one to remember nicely, not one to remember as embarrassing later in life.
LDS and non-LDS wedding are always going to be different. Non-LDS people don’t have the same standards or concept of marriage as we do. You can’t compare them. The cost of your wedding is not going to cause a divorce. If you think that is a main factor, then you have bigger problems.

]]> By: Julie in Austin http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-104756 Julie in Austin Sun, 30 Oct 2005 01:12:54 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-104756 I think this post is dead, but i wanted to thank all of you who described your weddings. I think this post is dead, but i wanted to thank all of you who described your weddings.

]]> By: Julie in Austin http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-104720 Julie in Austin Sat, 29 Oct 2005 13:53:09 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-104720 sam b--Funny you should mention buying a car. My parents had one of those traditional weddings--and raked in enough cash in wedding gifts that they DID go pay cash for a car the next day. sam b–Funny you should mention buying a car. My parents had one of those traditional weddings–and raked in enough cash in wedding gifts that they DID go pay cash for a car the next day.

]]> By: sam b http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-104718 sam b Sat, 29 Oct 2005 10:29:51 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-104718 We spent about $1000 on our wedding and have been dizzily happy with our marriage, though my wife intermittently wishes we had done something fancier. I'm glad to see weddings as expressions of community, and our community (Utah-based Mormonism) has a long cultural legacy of frugality. I have no objection to using the church (with its basketball standards) and simple drinks and food. I also have no objection to a fancier wedding in a fancier culture, though it's a shame if people are driven to it by a standard they inwardly reject. There is one phenomenon my wife has noticed that is at least a little funny: Mormon nouveaux riches will sometimes try to split the difference by using expensively very tacky food/accoutrements at their wedding, in which case they have only evinced their affluence and their simultaneous lack of high-cultural insight. Those are sad I guess. I suppose another option for $26k is to use the church, buy a car for cash, and then give people rides around the "cultural hall" in your new car. There could be streamers, soda cans, and the Herbie Goes to Hollywood theme song on the horn. PS one possible argument about honoring the ceremony is that significant cultural and emotional investment is made in the notion of the eternal marriage which occurs in the temple. It is possible that some of the gravitas obtained from that institution is reflected in non-LDS weddings by their festal extravagance--both are ways to honor the significance of the bond being made. And ours just costs 10% of our income... We spent about $1000 on our wedding and have been dizzily happy with our marriage, though my wife intermittently wishes we had done something fancier. I’m glad to see weddings as expressions of community, and our community (Utah-based Mormonism) has a long cultural legacy of frugality. I have no objection to using the church (with its basketball standards) and simple drinks and food. I also have no objection to a fancier wedding in a fancier culture, though it’s a shame if people are driven to it by a standard they inwardly reject.
There is one phenomenon my wife has noticed that is at least a little funny: Mormon nouveaux riches will sometimes try to split the difference by using expensively very tacky food/accoutrements at their wedding, in which case they have only evinced their affluence and their simultaneous lack of high-cultural insight. Those are sad I guess.
I suppose another option for $26k is to use the church, buy a car for cash, and then give people rides around the “cultural hall” in your new car. There could be streamers, soda cans, and the Herbie Goes to Hollywood theme song on the horn.

PS one possible argument about honoring the ceremony is that significant cultural and emotional investment is made in the notion of the eternal marriage which occurs in the temple. It is possible that some of the gravitas obtained from that institution is reflected in non-LDS weddings by their festal extravagance–both are ways to honor the significance of the bond being made. And ours just costs 10% of our income…

]]> By: Carolyn http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-104710 Carolyn Sat, 29 Oct 2005 04:41:18 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-104710 In the Eastern European tradition in which I was raised weddings can go on for four days. The wedding guests expect a great party. In return they bring expensive gifts/cash. The couple reap the benefits. The wedding, paid for by the parents, is their gift to the couple who will reap the benefits. This is one reason to have a big wedding. Of course this is a lot easier to do in the non-LDS culture where families tend to be smaller and weddings less frequent. In the Eastern European tradition in which I was raised weddings can go on for four days. The wedding guests expect a great party. In return they bring expensive gifts/cash. The couple reap the benefits. The wedding, paid for by the parents, is their gift to the couple who will reap the benefits. This is one reason to have a big wedding.

Of course this is a lot easier to do in the non-LDS culture where families tend to be smaller and weddings less frequent.

]]> By: Mike B http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-104708 Mike B Sat, 29 Oct 2005 04:16:21 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-104708 Let me see if I've got this straight: if we don't have alcohol at our Mormon wedding receptions, it's just a stupid party, and if we don't spend a lot of money on the reception, we're not really committed to each other? Not sure I follow that logic. Let me see if I’ve got this straight: if we don’t have alcohol at our Mormon wedding receptions, it’s just a stupid party, and if we don’t spend a lot of money on the reception, we’re not really committed to each other? Not sure I follow that logic.

]]> By: Space Chick http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/10/wedding-bells/#comment-104644 Space Chick Fri, 28 Oct 2005 18:30:46 +0000 /?p=2665#comment-104644 Ginny, I've been to the formal receptions with sit-down dinner. I found it boring even when expensive. The bigger it was, the more boring. I have little patience with standing around in fancy dress chatting with people I don't know well. I guess if you're an extrovert then it might be fun. My preference is to read, go for a run, ride my bike...I like friends and family, but in doses under 50 please. I understand the social pressure for a big wedding--my parents grew up in New England, went to school there, etc. That's why they were preparing for a big wedding with a huge list of invitees. Maybe they were just lucky that I married rather late, had no desire to be a fairytale "princess", and hadn't gone to an Ivy League school with the resulting classmates and career. I'm not suggesting that those are bad things, or that you necessarily fit that mold, just saying that life *could* have gone that way for me and didn't. To my parents' families and school friends, I'm odd to start with, so they didn't expect normality when I married. I chaffed off Rensselaer and went to a military academy for college, I move every 2-3 years (sometimes faster depending on the Air Force assignment system), my husband has 2 teenage boys and is back in college, and we sign up for adventure races whenever possible. They weren't expecting a traditional wedding, and we had more latitude to do as we pleased. You may very well have married in a location and culture where you felt that you had to conform. I'm sorry that your resources and your expectations didn't match at that time, and that it's continued to be an issue. That's why I suggest that anyone dealing with that same disparity simply break the mold altogether, instead of taking half-measures which allow guests to make a direct comparison. Let's go back to the car analogy: you take me for a ride in your Bentley. I take you for a kayak trip. You have no way of knowing whether a Seaward kayak is the best or not--it's only a problem if it springs a leak and you end up swimming. If everything goes well, you enjoy the paddle trip as something new and different, and no-one complains that it wasn't a Bentley, because it wasn't meant to be and it wasn't billed as one. I applaud your attempt to step outside the box--I think you needed to step a little farther outside to avoid the strained result, that's all. Go ahead and plan to mend some of those fences at a gala 10-year anniversary party, but be cautious about expecting that such an event will do everything you want it to do. Nine years is a long time to let resentments fester. Have you considered one-on-one discussions with those friends and relatives who were put off by the less-expensive wedding and quietly explained that finances were an issue? If they're still offended after that, maybe it's time to reexamine why you're friends with them at all. I know that sounds really harsh, but it's no harsher than being dropped by a friend (?) because *your* wedding didn't meet *their* expectations. In the final analysis, I don't live in your social stratum. (I have my own definition of elite, based on commissioned rank and professional competence. I know exactly what my commander makes, but I doubt his fellow colonels care about how much he spends on weddings or whether they are invited.) So I can't say you are right or wrong to feel the way you do. But from an outside view, it seems a little warped to go into debt on a big reception simply because that's what was expected by your peers. Ginny,

I’ve been to the formal receptions with sit-down dinner. I found it boring even when expensive. The bigger it was, the more boring. I have little patience with standing around in fancy dress chatting with people I don’t know well. I guess if you’re an extrovert then it might be fun. My preference is to read, go for a run, ride my bike…I like friends and family, but in doses under 50 please.

I understand the social pressure for a big wedding–my parents grew up in New England, went to school there, etc. That’s why they were preparing for a big wedding with a huge list of invitees. Maybe they were just lucky that I married rather late, had no desire to be a fairytale “princess”, and hadn’t gone to an Ivy League school with the resulting classmates and career. I’m not suggesting that those are bad things, or that you necessarily fit that mold, just saying that life *could* have gone that way for me and didn’t. To my parents’ families and school friends, I’m odd to start with, so they didn’t expect normality when I married. I chaffed off Rensselaer and went to a military academy for college, I move every 2-3 years (sometimes faster depending on the Air Force assignment system), my husband has 2 teenage boys and is back in college, and we sign up for adventure races whenever possible. They weren’t expecting a traditional wedding, and we had more latitude to do as we pleased.

You may very well have married in a location and culture where you felt that you had to conform. I’m sorry that your resources and your expectations didn’t match at that time, and that it’s continued to be an issue. That’s why I suggest that anyone dealing with that same disparity simply break the mold altogether, instead of taking half-measures which allow guests to make a direct comparison. Let’s go back to the car analogy: you take me for a ride in your Bentley. I take you for a kayak trip. You have no way of knowing whether a Seaward kayak is the best or not–it’s only a problem if it springs a leak and you end up swimming. If everything goes well, you enjoy the paddle trip as something new and different, and no-one complains that it wasn’t a Bentley, because it wasn’t meant to be and it wasn’t billed as one.

I applaud your attempt to step outside the box–I think you needed to step a little farther outside to avoid the strained result, that’s all. Go ahead and plan to mend some of those fences at a gala 10-year anniversary party, but be cautious about expecting that such an event will do everything you want it to do. Nine years is a long time to let resentments fester. Have you considered one-on-one discussions with those friends and relatives who were put off by the less-expensive wedding and quietly explained that finances were an issue? If they’re still offended after that, maybe it’s time to reexamine why you’re friends with them at all. I know that sounds really harsh, but it’s no harsher than being dropped by a friend (?) because *your* wedding didn’t meet *their* expectations.

In the final analysis, I don’t live in your social stratum. (I have my own definition of elite, based on commissioned rank and professional competence. I know exactly what my commander makes, but I doubt his fellow colonels care about how much he spends on weddings or whether they are invited.) So I can’t say you are right or wrong to feel the way you do. But from an outside view, it seems a little warped to go into debt on a big reception simply because that’s what was expected by your peers.

]]>