Aaargh–’tis the season for those yuletide roundups of the activities of everyone’s perfect families and overachieving children. A couple of years ago, I decided to fight back with this parody, which I mailed on April Fools’ Day:
Dear Family and Friends,
We are positively mortified to be sending you our annual greeting at this strange time of year, but, honestly, with all the very important busy-ness of our lives, it feels like Thanksgiving was just yesterday, and Christmas flew by like a quick little snow flurry. So, a belated rundown of our 2002 activities:
Steve, as many of you may know, was named to succeed Dean Oâ€™Hare as CEO of Chubb. Unlike his predecessor, Steve has promised not to start feuds with the neighbors over noisy lawn equipment or tan himself into leather. However, Steve does plan to change Chubbâ€™s name (finally!) to something spiffy, like Directure or Insuria, and then create the worldâ€™s biggest and best insurance company ever (though of course heâ€™s too modest to ever say so).
Kristine just finished her 3rd book tourâ€”she was as surprised as anyone by the runaway success of her first book, _Alive at Five: Stay-at-Home Mothering Without Violence_. We have all learned a lot about the privileges and responsibilities of being the author of a New York Times Bestseller. Of course, it wouldnâ€™t be fitting to shirk her mothering responsibilities to promote a book about the joys (or whatever) of domestic goddesshood, so Kristine learned to fly her own Concorde so she could be home in time to cook a nutritious gourmet meal for us every night, even when she was on tour.
Peter, now age 6 (we can hardly believe it!), is busy doing the things six-year-olds do: he has finished all the Harry Potter books and moved on to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He had a tough decision to make this year when he decided NOT to go to the NBA draft straight out of YMCA kindergarten basketball, but we all feel like it was the right decision.
Louisa was elected President of her preschool class and won awards for Most Unusual Fingerpainting and Outstanding Project with Glue. Also, she has earned so many “Student of the Month” bumper stickers that Kristine was recently pulled over by a police officer who wanted to know if we could still see out the rear window of the minivan. We can (just barely).
And Sam, our littlest darling, is a very remarkable two-year-old. He looks set to skip preschool and go straight to college (as soon as he is potty-trained). He and Kristine have been learning classical Greek together during their breaks from practicing for the national spelling bee and memorizing the encyclopedia. He also keeps us busy with a part-time modeling job for “Sutures and Fractures Quarterly,” a journal for Emergency Room physicians.
We hope all of you have had as successful a year as we have, and most of all, we wish you a very merry APRIL FOOLSâ€™ DAY!