And again we bear record—for we saw and heard, and this is the testimony we give, concerning the three degrees of glory in New York City:
The first and greatest kingdom is the celestial, or in other words, Manhattan.
These are they who received the high salaries of law firms and investment banks.
These are they who have overcome by faith the lousy housing market.
These are they into whose hands the Father has given an understanding of Craigs List.
They are they who are priests and kings, who have received of the locations of no-broker’s fee apartments;
Wherefore, all things are theirs, whether rent control, or rent stabilization.
These are they with ten-minute walking commutes and twenty-four-hour doormen.
These shall dwell in the presence of Zabars and Citarella forever and ever.
These are they whose bodies are celestial, whose glory is that of the sun.
(And to enter into the highest degree of glory of the celestial kingdom, which is the Upper East Side, a man must enter into investment banking, and persevere therein until he is crowned as a Managing Director).
And again, we saw the terrestrial world, and behold and lo, these are they who are of the terrestrial, or in other words, Brooklyn, whose glory differs from that of the celestial, even as that of the moon differs from the sun in the firmament.
Behold, these are they who died without law;
Who received not the wisdom of Craig’s List in the flesh, but after they had already placed a deposit.
These are they who are honorable men of the earth, who were blinded by the craftiness of realtors.
Wherefore, they must needs suffer with a 718 area code.
These are they with thirty-minute subway commutes into midtown.
These are they who receive of the glory of New York, but not of its fulness. These are they who may eat pizza at Grimaldi’s in Dumbo, but who receive not of Le Bernadin and Jean Georges.
Wherefore, they are bodies terrestrial, and not bodies celestial, and differ in glory as the moon differs from the sun.
And again, we saw the glory of the telestial, or in other words, Bronx, which glory is that of the lesser, even as the glory of the stars differs from that of the glory of the moon in the firmament.
These are they who received not Craigs List before their deposit, nor after.
These are they who must commute on the cross Bronx expressway.
These are they who are thrust down to hell.
These are they who shall not be redeemed from the devil until the last resurrection, when Grand Concourse Avenue finally recovers from the damage done by Robert Moses.
These are they who receive not of the fulness of New York, and receive only limited ministration through the Italian food on Arthur Avenue.
And the glory of the celestial is one, even Manhattan, as the glory of the sun is one.
And the glory of the terrestrial is one, even Brooklyn, as the glory of the moon is one.
And the glory of the telestial, even Bronx, is one, even as the glory of the stars is one; for as one star differs from another star in glory, even so differs one from another in glory in the telestial world;
(For behold, some may live in Riverdale, which isn’t such a bad neighborhood, though the commute is a pain).
But behold, a limited number will be cast into outer darkness forever, and there suffer endless torment.
Which outer darkness is known as New Jersey . . .